I know I haven't been writing much lately. It's hard to find the motivation sometimes. It's hard to stay motivated for a lot of things. The depression comes and goes, and even though most of the time I can cover it with a smile and humor, sometimes, I just can't.
Therapy has been rough. The more weight bearing I can do, the harder it is. I'm at 75% now, and will be graduating to 100%, finally, next Wednesday. It's bittersweet, because while I am beyond ready to be able to walk unassisted, I am dreading the pain that comes with it. Lately, the pain has been waxing and waning, some days are great, and I almost feel normal, then some days I feel like I don't want to move. I just wish things could be a little more normal. Most 21 year old couples can enjoy going out, partying with friends, etc, whereas we essentially hang out and watch movies, since there isn't much else we can do.
I just want my life back. Slowly but surely, it's getting there, but not fast enough. Every time I talk to one of my co-workers or a friend from one of the many fire departments I used to spend time around, I wish I could go back. I miss the stations, I miss the calls, I miss the adrenaline, the friendships, the fact of having something to do, some reason to wake up in the morning. I'd give just about anything. My old partner asked me where I was, since it was Friday the 13th at my usual station, and I almost wished I could have just cut the left leg off and gone back to work. Sometimes I think it would be easier to get rid of the entire leg than to have to wait for all of this to work so I could keep it.
Side note: Did you guys know that Beta fish will jump out of a bowl and kill themselves?
I had to go to Post Trauma Resources this last week. Apparently the psychologist thinks that I need about 3 more medications. I'm going to end up being a zombie. But, whatever it takes, I guess.
