The pain's gonna make everything alright...

Went back to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday.


I had to go for X-Rays first. My techs were awesome.


Finally got in to Tucker's office. He checked out the X-rays and said everything appeared to be healing up well, but there's still a lot of bone growth needed.



He had to scope out the hip area, palpate for any abnormalities in the scar tissue or bone (or lack thereof). For the record, those are NOT my panties... The bright pink band is part of the yoga pants. And FINALLY.... I got some good news!!




This was part of my happy dance.. I was told that I can start doing 25% weight bearing with my left leg. The goal is to be walking completely by February! Annnnnnnnd......... I CAN DRIVE! First thing I asked was if we could go pick up my truck from Mom's. I am no longer making a payment on a car I can't drive. Now I can actually drive it! It was great to be back behind the wheel for a change.

I also got some quite frustrating news from worker's comp, but that has me so royally p*ssed off that I don't even want to discuss it right now. I want to bask in the excitement over the fact that I'm no longer totally hopping around every where I go, and that I CAN DRIVE!!

Christmas time.

Christmas has now come and gone. It was great to spend time with the family. I loved the excitement from the kids! We took tons of pictures, and I tried to make them look as normal as possible. I basically balanced on one foot and let the walker be moved out of the frames. I don't want to ruin the pictures with my big bulky walker. One day, I'd like to be able to look back at my pictures and not have to remember this part of it. I'll have enough memories, I don't want it to intrude on pictures, too.

I got two new cameras. Super excited about that. I've been taking tons of pictures of the kids. I want to start scrapbooks for them. I've been lax about pictures of the family over the last year or so. Now, I'll go no where without my camera.

The kids got 4wheelers for Christmas. That was definitely not good for my nerves. Christopher managed to flip his within the first 5 minutes and hurt his ankle. I was inside, and heard Mom scream then heard Monkey crying. I was trying to get outside to him, and couldn't move fast enough with the walker. My heart was in my throat, and I almost threw the walker down to get out there to him. It seemed like it took forever for me to limp out there. Thankfully, he was okay, with the exception of some pain in the right ankle. Then Katlin decides to go speeding off on hers, and doesn't remember how to apply the break, so she comes within 2 feet of a barbed wire fence. I was nearly in stroke mode. I guess my job made me paranoid. I don't like them being on the 4wheelers at all. I had to pick at Mom though, since when I was 12, I broke my left ankle on a 4wheeler, which she'd told me not to ride. So, in essence, I was forbidden at 12 years old to ride one, but at SIX years old, they have their own. She says it's because I'm not the only one anymore, now she has spares.

Going back to the orthopedic surgeon in 2 days. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll finally get clearance to start walking!

Let me see you through, because I've seen the dark side, too.

It's almost Christmas. This should be a happy time of year. In a way it is, but I hate that I'm seeing so much hurt in people around me. I've had two people who read this blog tell me of people close to them who have recently been hurt and sustained injuries similar to mine in vehicle accidents. I hate to see someone else go through this, because I know what it's like. It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone else. But maybe those people can get some sort of hope through this. I know I didn't have any at first. With time, however, I've gotten much more hopeful about the outcome of everything. Slowly but surely, the pain gets a little better, mobility gets a little easier, and therapy gets slightly less traumatizing. I highly doubt that I'll ever be able to say that I enjoy physical therapy, but I do enjoy the results. Looking back now at the progress that has been made is humbling. It seems to me sometimes like I'm not getting anywhere, but to think of what it was like when I first encountered a physical therapist (at the hospital, three days after my surgery), and to see where I am now, is a major difference. When I was still in the hospital, my "therapy" consisted of small things in my room. In fact, there wasn't much they could do with me, so they really only came once or twice. The thing I remember most clearly was when they had me make it to the chair next to my bed. I sat there for a bit. I was excited to be able to sit up for the first time. Fast forward a few weeks, and I had a new therapist that was coming to the house. I'm sure you guys remember her, the one that I affectionately referred to as the Antichrist. The first time she came, I was supposed to be moving my left leg out to the side, a feat that would have be easy pre-accident, but was then a miserable task. I couldn't do it. I physically could not move it in that manner, so she had to move it for me, which was horrible. I'd be lying there gritting my teeth with tears streaming down my face. After a few visits, I could, but it was insanely painful. A few more weeks went by, and I was finally able to do it myself with tolerable pain levels. A few visits later, I'd moved on to standing exercises with my left leg. Now, I'm going out of the house to therapy and I sit on a table, do a few stretching motions, then have to work with a resistance band on my left ankle to strengthen it back up and work on flexibility in my hip. I have to work on straightening my left leg out often because the muscles can contract from not being in use and cause major problems. It's something that I have to consciously remind myself to do at home as well. So to think that in the matter of a little over two months, I've gone from unable to move that leg at all during therapy, to being put on an exercise bike to get some movement in it, is pretty major. I can't deny that there's improvement. It just still seems so slow.

I go back to see my orthopedic surgeon on the 27th of this month. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to start at least partial weight bearing then. It would make the process a lot smoother. I only go to physical therapy once a week and am very limited on what I can do due to the fact that I can't bear weight on that leg. Once I get that clearance, I'll be going more often and be able to do more to rehabilitate that leg. I can only imagine how painful it's going to be though.

I've noticed there are still some dead spots in my leg. Areas where I can't feel much. My mobility is as good as could be hoped for, but for some reason there are just spots where it's numb. I can only think that maybe it's attributed to the fact that the nerves were damaged in the accident. Although I know for a fact that some of the nerves have reattached, since I feel the shooting pain from them. It's a strange feeling. I've had it happen quite a few times. For a few days, I'll have a very severe pain in an area, and then slowly the pain fades out, and the sensation returns to the area. My scar is still entirely numb, though.

For the last few days, I've been having intermittent shooting pains in my hip. I'm wondering if it's stitching up as well. I hope so. I hope I haven't jostled it in some way that's going to inhibit this process even more. They don't last long usually, but they're disturbing nonetheless. By "not lasting long", I mean an hour or two. Time feels skewed when there isn't much going on. I guess I'll find out on the 27th.

The clock on the wall has been stuck at 3 for days...

I was just watching Jon Stewart, and the Secretary of Domestic Affairs mentioned something about being "more greater"... Really? These are the people in charge of large groups of people? What a shame.

On another note.. I think I have developed a disease that plagues me on Tuesday nights and Wednesday mornings.. It's called dontf***ingwannago. For some reason it seems to reach it's peak effectiveness around physical therapy. The other days of the week, it lies in an asymptomatic state. It's a very serious disease. Apparently the side effects include anxiety, lethargy, and aggravation. The only cure is a new, experimental drug called damnitall. Unfortunately, the drug is very difficult to come by. I was able to acquire one dose of it this week, though. I guess we'll see how next week goes.

I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Time really does fly by. The stress of the holidays isn't something I want to be dealing with right now, though. I wish this could have happened earlier in the year.

I had a good visit with Joey today. We talked about a lot. I've been battling with the feeling that my recovery hasn't been coming along as quickly as it should be. I feel like I should be so much farther along in the process, even walking, but he said that he's surprised at how far along I've come already. I guess I look at it as, "It's been two months!" But others look at it as, "It's only been two months." Time seems to simultaneously fly by and drag by. It's pretty strange. The days seem to fly by, but it seems like I've been stuck on the couch for ever.

I finally got my hair done last night. It's amazing how much better about yourself you can feel after something as simple as getting a trim, dye, and highlight. I've felt so self conscious about myself since the accident. I've become scarred and really haven't been able to do much with myself. But just getting my hair done perked me up a bit. Plus, it was great to see an old friend, and meet a new one.

Perhaps things will be better after the holidays. I'm fighting to stay up and perky these days. The smallest tasks are exhausting. I know it's the . I sometimes lay in bed for hours after I wake up, because I just cannot seem to get motivated to get up and get the day started. It's eating at me. And nights are the worst. I used to require total darkness to sleep. Now, I'm having trouble dealing with being in the dark. I feel like such a child. When it's dark, my mind replays the scene of being the back of the truck, with the lights flickering and finally shorting out, hitting my on the ceiling, and being buried under so many things. It's more than most people have any idea about. A few who read this will know what I mean.

One of these days, maybe the dark won't be so frightening any more.

Dear Agony.. Just Let Go of Me.

Today has been a very bad day pain-wise. I've been hurting along the lines of how badly I was hurting right after the accident. Luckily, I've gotten used to pain enough that I can now bear it without screaming and crying. I guess that's a good thing. Isn't it a little unfair though, that a person should have to bear such pain so often that they can tolerate it? One thing I've learned through all of this is that tears and screams don't lessen the pain, so I just put on a happy face and go on with my day. It's not always easy to do. There are moments when I just want to curl up in the fetal position and sob, but like I said, I know it doesn't do any good. So I've found that I just put in my headphones, turn up the music, and try to forget it.

Music is something that I'd sort of gotten away from through all of this. I guess it just wasn't as accessible to me now as it was before. I used to love jamming out on the way to work, or the way home, or even at work. I just haven't been listening to it much since the accident. But now I've seen that it's still something I love. It's something that can provide an escape when little else can. In fact, this song, Dear Agony, is perfectly descriptive of how I feel lately. It's such a beautiful song, and I love this guy's voice. If you care to, here's a link to listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbPuTwo1bxs The video is pretty powerful too, since it's from 7 Pounds. Great movie, by the way.

Music has always been a great way to express yourself. One of these days, I'm going to get back in to playing guitar.

I'm realizing more and more how much I miss things. I can't wait for a time when I can just get up and walk, without having to be concerned if my walker is going to fit through somewhere, or if it's too slippery and I'm going to lose my balance. I would love to go visit Bo and spend some time with him, but I can't drive, so I can't. I want to be able to go back to work. I want to I get so tired of people turning their noses up at me when I'm in my wheelchair in public. It's not like I'm lazy. I'm stuck here for now. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to get the news that I'd be stuck in this thing permanently. I don't think I'd be able to take it. The only thing that keeps my sanity now is that I know, one day, it's going to be over. I'll never be quite the same, and will never be able to do all the things I did before the accident, but one day, it will get better. If that hope was taken from me, I honestly think I'd lose it.

It's been a long time...

I know I haven't written in a while. I'm sorry. It's just that when you sit on the couch all day, nothing much goes on, and there's nothing to write about. If I have to recall what I did on a previous day, chances are 100% that I sat on the couch and did some woodburning. The only thing that really changes is whether or not I sat on Mimi's couch or Mom's couch.

However, today began the new chapter. Out of the house physical therapy. It was not fun. It wasn't horrific, like the first few times I had home therapy, but it wasn't a walk in the roses either. The therapist was somewhat entertaining, or at least, she seemed entertained by our shenanigans. I was confused by the questionnaire though.. Here are a few questions I had to answer and what I answered with.

"What are your goals for therapy?" I wasn't sure what to put, so I put, "Not die?"

"Has your doctor cleared you for exercise?" I wrote "I guess so, since he scheduled this appointment."

"If you are out of work due to this injury, please state what physical limitations you now have that prevent you from doing your job." I scribbled in, "Can't walk, and can't lift fat people."

There was a yes or no section. I was finally about to legitimately check "yes" next to the psychiatric problems. I'm not sure how I feel about that, since I'm pretty sure I have a mild form of Bipolar disorder (at least, at work I did...), but now that I've been diagnosed with "PTSD", I actually have a diagnosed condition. It was bittersweet. It asked if I had sleep disorders... Another yes. Arthritis.. Another yes. Recent severe emotional disturbances... Yes sir. At that question though, I got to thinking, and I realized...

This entire year has been an emotional disturbance. I've been through a major breakup, a 5 month or so period of depression, a major accident, major injuries, and back in to depression. Come on.. Can't I get a break? I think I've done pretty well at dealing with all of this, so come on... Just for a little while... Let something go right. I'm not going for a pity party here, I'm just venting. And I don't care to get sympathy. But I told you guys that I would bare it here, no censorship. The ones who have stuck with this so far, I'm not going to hold anything back from you guys.

But back to the point of this... I filled out my questionnaire, and was mentally daring them to ask for clarification on anything that I checked yes on. They didn't, until I got back with the therapist, and she asked what caused my injuries. I told her that I was in an ambulance accident, and broke my hip and pelvis. She says, "Wow! That must have been scary." I wanted to slap her. Like, really? No shit it was scary. I was terrified. After some fairly easy exercises, she put me on an exercise bike. With me still being non-weight bearing on my left leg, it was pretty difficult to not pedal with that leg. It goes against instincts, but I figured it out. 5 minutes of that, then I was released. I will be going back once a week, on Wednesdays, until I can bear weight on that leg. I wonder when that'll be.

I can't believe how much time has passed since the accident. It's almost Christmas. What happened? In some ways, it seems like it was yesterday, and in some ways it seems like it's been forever. I guess that's a good thing and a bad thing.

Well, that's all for now. Not much else to say. I wish I had something witty to sign off with, but I'll quote SSA Hotchner from Criminal Minds since that's what's in my peripheral vision right now. "Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to neatly sum up what's happened that day. Sometimes, the day just....ends."

Game Over. Restart?

"Quit Game", "Restart", anyone who plays video games is pretty familiar with those two options. I wish I had one. Is there a point at which I can say, "Ok, I quit. I've had enough"? I wish. It's like when you see in a movie and a woman is giving birth. She states she's going to do it naturally, then starts screaming for an epidural. Can I do that? Is there any way to make it better or just make it be over? I'm so very tired of all of this. I hate not being able to walk. I hate not being able to bend over and pick up something I may have dropped. I hate not being able to go in to certain rooms because there isn't room for my walker to get through. I hate not being able to get on the floor to race matchbox cars with my little brother. And most of all, I'm tired of the pain. I want my life back. This would be easier to deal with if it were my fault, because then I could be mad at myself. I could think that maybe there was something I could have done differently. Instead, there's absolutely nothing I could have done differently. I can't blame it on my partner, because it wasn't his fault either. Actually, it was sort of no one's fault. It would have happened at some point or another, and it just happened when I was back there. In a way, I want to ask, "Why me?" but then I think about it, and I realize that I'm glad it was me. Although the wreck took away a lot of things from me, such as basic enjoyment of life, my ability to walk temporarily, my livelihood, my security of riding in a vehicle (I get paranoid now), I wouldn't have wanted it to be anyone else. I wouldn't want anyone else to have to go through this. There are people in this world that I dislike, but none enough that I would have wished this upon them. And although a lot was taken from me, I was given a lot through this wreck.

I spent the weekend with my parents, as usual, and last night as I was laying down for bed, I was thinking about all of the things that were taken away. I was mentally compiling a list. Then I was given the pictures of the ambulance to give to my lawyer, and I looked through them. It changed my mind set. I realized just how lucky I am to still be alive. I turned from being morose to being thankful. As I said before, I was given a lot through the accident as well. I was blessed with the knowledge of finding out which friends were true, who I could count on; it gave me time with my family (which I never seemed to have enough of before); it revealed that I have somewhat of a talent with my pyrography; it's allowed me to come up with this fundraiser (details to follow); it's allowing me to be home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, since I haven't in several years; I've learned that my coworkers are the greatest; I've learned that there is a guy out there that cares enough to sit on the couch with me for hours, but doesn't care about my injury and doesn't think differently of me for it; I've learned that a co-worker I previously just enjoyed working with is outstanding moral support, and has upgraded to the title of best friend (as cheesy as it may be); I've gotten in touch with my best friend from growing up and rekindled our friendship.. So many blessings have come out of this. So although I may not be able to enjoy some things for the next year or so, I have learned so many lessons through this, and it's worth the pain to know what I know now.

Insomnia is not my friend.

The title says it all. Insomnia is not my friend, no matter how many times it insists on hanging around me. It's 0300 and I'm wide awake (after 200mg of Trazodone), watching American Horror Story with my granddad. This is the life. Somewhat.

Last night, I could not get to sleep to save my life. I tried everything. Even doubled up and took 400mg of Trazodone. I was still awake until 9 a.m. When I did get to sleep, I tossed and turned and couldn't get comfortable. Guess that's the worst part of being hurt on both sides of my hips. I woke up in pain finally around 1630. Now, I'm still wide awake.

Other than that, I'm just spending my time woodburning and reading. Pyrography is the only thing that actually completely takes my mind off of the pain.

Short entry tonight. Not much exciting news in the life right now. Just me and the couch, which is my friend.

It's been a while since I could hold my head up high...

I know I haven't written in a few days. I've been reminded by a few people. I greatly appreciate their reminders though, because it also reminds me that someone is reading.

So, I was super excited to get out of the house Saturday and go to the craft show with Mom, Mimi, and Isabella. It went pretty well, and we went to Big Lots afterward. I was already hurting when we left the show, but I trucked on. By the time we finished at Big Lots, I'd been 6 hours without pain medication. I was tired of being treated like I was just a pill head and taking the meds when I didn't really need them, so I didn't take them. I was miserable. When we got back to Mom's house, I was getting out of the Envoy and when I stepped out with my right leg, I felt and heard a snap. I couldn't catch my breath, the pain was so bad. I started sobbing and screaming every time I had to take a step and bear my weight on the right leg. Keep in mind, this is supposed to be my good leg. After sitting on Mom's front porch in a chair for almost half an hour waiting for my pain meds to kick in, I started to realize that they weren't going to work this time. They had to put me in my wheelchair and wheel me inside. I wasn't having any pain whatsoever on my left side, where I normally hurt, but all on my right. I couldn't sit or stand comfortably. I finally gave in and called Shaun to see what he thought. He said he thought I needed to go to the ER. I didn't want to, but I figured I needed to see if maybe I'd hurt something even more. Mom refused to drive me, so Shaun and Ashley came to get me. When I got to the ER, I was put in a room, and the doc gave me two shots of dilaudid. It didn't even touch it. As long as I didn't move my leg at all, the pain was tolerable, but any sort of jostle or bump and I was back in tears. Ashley drove about 30mph the whole way in for fear of hurting me. For the record, she did a great job. I had X-rays done (the funny part of this will come out once I catch up) and the doc stated that either I "reinjured the pelvic fracture, or it just wasn't healing right in the first place." I was leaning toward a reinjure, because I figured I would have had the pain all along if it 'just wasn't healing right'. But, hey, I'm just an EMT. What do I know, right?

I was discharged with no changes to pain medication and orders to do absolutely no weight bearing on either side until I see my orthopedic surgeon (Tucker). I went back home with Mimi, and was in tears just from slight movement. She gave me vicoprofen, and surprisingly, I got relief. Even when the Roxicodone and Percocet wouldn't work.

Fast forward to today, when I visited Dr. Tucker. He came in, looked at my X-rays from TRMC and asked what happened. I explained to him that I stepped out, and heard a snap. When I indicated my right leg during the explanation, he was looking at my X-ray, and freaked out, saying, "You shouldn't be bearing ANY weight on that leg!" I looked at him, confused, and told him that that's the only way I can get around. He then asked if the right side was the one he did surgery on, and I said no. He said he'd thought so, but apparently TRMC labelled my X-rays wrong, showing the reconstruction on the right and the fracture on the left. Way to go, TRMC. So he ordered more X-rays, and basically told me that the calcium that was forming over the fracture (which is directly under the tendon that connects my femur to my hip) was broken loose by the tendon. He also said the 'tendon is pissed off'. I'm not sure what that means, but then again, I'm not a doctor, so maybe I'm not supposed to. I explained to him that the Nucynta didn't work, and he looked at me like I had four heads, stating that I'm the only patient he's had that it didn't work for. In the end, he wrote me a script for vicoprofen, saying that the anti-inflammatory would be good for it, and told me to stay off of my right leg as much as possible, so that the 'pissed off tendon' can 'calm down' and to call him in two weeks for re-evaluation. In the meantime, no physical therapy, and as little mobility as possible. This is going to be a long two weeks.

So, here I am, parked on my usual spot on the couch, and trying to work on some new crafts to occupy my mind. Maybe, in two weeks, I'll be able to get around a little more.

In the meantime, if anyone knows what a 'pissed off tendon' is, PLEASE enlighten me.

What Goes Around Comes Around

I slept through the night last night without taking any pain medications. Mom woke me up around 8 before she went to work to give me my morning cocktail, and surprisingly, I didn't feel like I was about to die. Maybe today is going to be a good day after all. Except for the fact that I woke back up at 1045 with acid reflux so sever that I felt like I was going to spit fire. It's getting horrible. The docs put me on Nexium two weeks ago, but it doesn't seem to be helping very much. The acid burns, and in turn makes me nauseated. I got sick this morning, and am now battling that weak, shaky feeling that almost feels like the flu. I guess since I got a slight break from the pain, my body is going to find some other way to betray me. But I'm not going to let it ruin my entire day. I'm really looking forward to this crafts fair so that I can get some new ideas. I'm running low on inspiration lately.

Last night, I read a comment from one of my Mom's friends, stating that my blog was inspiring. That meant so much to me. I'm glad people are listening, and it helps me to be able to keep my head up and keep a positive outlook on things. I definitely need help with that now and then.

I did a little wood burning last night, but my hands are starting to cramp after only a little while of doing it. I'm hoping to God that I'm not developing arthritis in my hands, too. That would be the end of my sanity. Hopefully it's just from over exertion and using the walker.

Well, it's time to get the day started. Hope everyone's day is going better than mine is so far.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend....

Currently Reading: A Commune of Women

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Another weekend at Mom's. Unfortunately she has to work tomorrow. On the bright side, Dad is a nightowl like I am, so it's a continuation of my normal schedule. Mimi, Papa, and I are always up until ungodly hours in the morning (at least 2 or 3 on a normal night), so it's not much different here. Well, it is, because Dad sleeps on the couch until about that time, then goes to bed. Close enough.

I got some major pyrography done in the last few days. I'm pretty happy with how it's turning out. I'm just a perfectionist, so it's starting to be stressful. Mimi bought me a book that has some beautiful projects in it, and I hope that one day I'll be as good as that guy. Once I finish up the orders I have right now, I'm going to start working with the glass etcher. There's a crafts fair going on at the fair grounds this weekend, and Mom and Mimi are going to take me out there tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. Maybe I can get a few more ideas, and who knows... Maybe by this time next year I'll be able to have my own booth there.

Finally slept in a bed last night. It went well. Didn't have any major mishaps, and actually slept quite peacefully. I got much more sleep last night than I've had in a while, but I'm owing that to Benadryl. Since I'm out of my trazodone, I'm having to take 50-75mg of Benadryl to get to sleep at night. Tonight, the temperature is supposed to drop to 29 degrees, so I imagine that I'll be feeling pretty rough in the morning. This evening around 6 or so, I started to get a dull ache in my left hip, knee, and ankle that I'm assuming can be attributed to the weather changing yet again. I hate it. I really hope that the pain that comes before rain or when the weather changes will one day be less than it has been so far, because honestly, I don't think I could deal with that for the rest of my life. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh, but when you get your hip replacement, you won't have that problem anymore!" Papa had his hip replaced quite a few years ago, and he said he still has pain in it during those times. So I call b.s. on everyone's statement. It's so depressing when you're 21 years old and the only thing you can think of to look forward to is having a hip replacement so that maybe the pain will go away a little bit.

Christopher has been a sweetheart again today. When I got here, Mom was helping me get settled in to the chair, and she brought me a little folding table which I use to keep my wood burning tools accessible, and while she was still helping me get adjusted in the chair, he was pulling the table over to me. Katlin tried to help him, and he said, "No! I do this!" I think it's so cute that he's such a good helper to his big sister. A few minutes later, he came out of his room and asked me, "Do you want me to bring you one of my stuffed animals? Because I'll bring you one." I told him he could if he wanted to, and he brought out a toy that looks like a baby wearing a yellow duck costume, and asked if I wanted one like that. I told him I'd take whatever he brought me. He looked at it, turned around, went back in his room, and brought me out a black stuffed monkey that's holding a rose and has a red ribbon around his neck. About 5 minutes later, he brought me a teddy bear. Then he brought out these two tiny stuffed rabbits, and said, "This one is you... and this one is me!" And made them hug. I thought that was the sweetest thing. Later on, Mom told him to lay on the couch (how he normally goes to sleep, snuggling with Mom until he falls asleep and they take him to bed). He told her he wanted to lay with me, and Mom told him I didn't have room, since I had my supplies all over my lap and the rest of the chair, but I cleared everything off and told him he could come over with me if he wanted to, and he did. I told him I would always make room for my Monkey.

I know this might sound incredibly morbid, but throughout all of this that's going on, I had to face my own mortality. I'm learning that things can all be gone in the blink of an eye. So I sat here and wrote Christopher a letter, and will continue to do so every few weeks or so, and keep them in a box for him, so that if something should ever happen to me, he'll have those to look over and remember how much his big sister loves him. I'm also planning on doing the same with the people I'm closest to. I'd hate for something to happen to me and have them not know how I felt about them. I'm trying to make it a point to show my friends and family how much they mean to me, but I feel like it doesn't always get through. Not to mention, I'd just like them to have one last thing to remember me by.

I've been brainstorming about a way to create some sort of fundraiser or volunteer program. I'm wanting to find a way to give back. I'd really like to find a way to help out children who are either suffering from debilitating diseases or just children in need. I always see people trying to do things for children/families in other countries, but what about the ones right here in the USA? I don't mean the families who refuse to do anything for themselves because the government provides for them, I mean families who are genuinely trying to make a way to provide for themselves and their children, but are unable to. Maybe a sick parent, or a sick child belonging to a family that can't afford to get the medicine, food, etc. that they need. I'm sort of drawing a blank so far as to what can be done, but I hate thinking of families like this going without basic necessities. Earlier tonight, I went outside to take a smoke break, and was thinking about how cold it was, and how inconvenient that I had to wear a blanket around my shoulders, because with a walker, it's very difficult to hold on to it and not trip. Then, I thought, there are children and families out there that are freezing. I'm mentally complaining about being in the cold for 5 minutes, when there are people who don't have heaters. I complain that my meds make me nauseated, but there are people in just as much pain as I am, or sicker, and can't afford any medications. Although I'm in a rough spot, I still have it good compared to some. I want to find some way to give back. There aren't really any programs locally that I could participate in, because this county doesn't offer anything of that nature. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to leave a comment. Maybe a Big Brother/ Big Sister program would be an idea. Or a food drive. I'm blabbering. Forgive me.

Other than that, it's a SSDD sort of deal. A woman from my law office called today to "check on my progress and see how I'm doing." She asked if I'd followed up with my doctor, and I told her I'd seen the ophthalmologist, my orthopedic surgeon, and my trauma surgeon. She then asks, "So have you been cleared to go back to work yet?" Seriously? I wish! Apparently she's quite unfamiliar with the seriousness of a shattered hip. I can't even bear weight on that leg, much less be cleared to go back to work. People never cease to amaze me. You'd think, before calling, they would try to at least read the information in my file. She didn't even know what (if anything) was broken. But, it is what it is. This is Orangeburg after all.

I'm very excited about the crafts fair tomorrow. To be honest though, I haven't liked to go out in public, because, as shallow as it sounds, I don't like being seen in a wheelchair, and it's even worse to have to be in public using a walker. I'm 21 years old, not 90. I've noticed that people tend to look at me with pity in their eyes, which I cannot stand. I don't want to be pitied. I'm trying hard to be strong through this, and I think I'm doing pretty well at it, but when someone looks at me with pity in their eyes, it hurts. It really does. I feel so small.

Well, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Hope everyone has a good night.

P.S. Since I've been reading a lot as well, I'm going to make sure to post whatever I'm currently reading, which I'm sure you noticed at the top. When I finish the book and move on to a new one, I'll post a review at the end of the blog, just in case anyone's looking for something to read.

Moving Forward

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been having major issues with sleep lately. I'll be so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, but when I try to go to sleep, I can't quite get there. I've been up until 4-5 a.m. for the last few nights, and only sleeping an hour or two. Except this morning, I slept until noon, but missed two doses of pain medication and was absolutely miserable. Also, for the last two days, I've been fighting with myself, because no matter what I do, how I sit, how I lay, I can't get my left hip comfortable. It's so miserable. I've been trying to stay busy so I won't think about it much, but it's hard to do anything when you just cannot get comfortable. I guess my nerves are starting to reattach themselves, because I'm also having shooting pains from my hip to my ankle, and a painful tingling feeling that moves up and down my leg. I'm still having some pretty rough issues with pain in my left knee. Isn't it wonderful, I developed arthritis in my left ankle several years ago after breaking it twice, and now my left hip is going to have arthritis after it heals (not to mention the hip replacement in a few years) and I think it's developing in my knee as well. My left side is obviously not my lucky side.

On another note, the Nucynta that my orthopedic surgeon started me on is not working. He said that he doesn't like for his patients to be on narcotics, and since Nucynta is an opiod, it's preferrable. He supposedly prescribed it because it doesn't have the undesirable side effects that Roxicodone and Percocet have (all pain medications make me nauseated and I end up getting sick, so I have been on Phenergen every 4 hours since I got out of the hospital). However, the Nucynta gave me the same issues, and absolutely no pain relief. So I'm back to the normal regimen. Every now and then I'm able to push past the normal times for medicating, but not often. It's usually when I'm having a good day and have lots of distractions, but then I start having major pain and realize that I'm overdue. I wake up in the mornings so stiff and in pain. It takes me a while to get up and get moving once my pain meds kick in.

I'll be staying at my parents' house again this weekend. It's nice to be able to spend time with them. My woodburning is coming along great, and the nightmares have taken a hiatus. Hopefully a permanent one. Maybe things are going to start getting better. At least, I can hope.

"It ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward." Rocky Balboa

The Little Things

I've had a lot of time to think since the accident, and it's made me realize that there are a lot of things I took for granted. Family time and friends are two things I haven't had much time for in the last year or so, but since the accident, I can usually count on having at least one visitor a day, and I spend weekends at Mom and Dad's. My friends and coworkers have been absolutely amazing. And I've enjoyed spending my weekends with Mom, Dad, Christopher, and Katlin.

Since some people may not be familiar with my family dynamics and I can't remember if I've already explained, but they're my younger siblings. Christopher is 5 (6 in December) and Katlin is 7. Christopher has been an amazing help to me since the accident. For example, when Dad came to pick me up Friday evening, I hobbled out to the car with my oh-so-stylish walker clanking and attempting to cause me to slip on every rock in between the door and my SUV (I swear, if it's not carpet, maneuvering that walker can be just as difficult as riding a mechanical bull). I finally got in to the passenger seat, and Christopher said, "I got a book from the liberry today.. Will you read it to me? It's about ameeances (ambulances)." I told him of course I would, and asked why he got that particular book. He responded with, "Because I love you." It almost brought me to tears, and instantly all of my frustration about not being able to get around well just went away for a few minutes. When we got back to the house (I'll have to fill in the rest of the 'just getting home' story later in this post), he asked me to read him the book. This kid is smart, so I figured I'd elaborate more than the book did. It's called Tools We Use: EMTs. Apparently it's a series that shows all types of careers. Throughout the book, which had very vague one-sentence pages, I was pointing things out to him and explaining them to him. I was amazed at how intrigued he seemed by the book. The next day, he "read" the book to Mom and pointed out all sorts of things. "That's a defibalator."So great. Saturday, at one point, he was running to his bedroom, stopped in his tracks (I'm surprised there weren't skidmarks), and turned around, moved my walker within my reach, and continued on his run to his room. Little moments that make my heart melt.

But back to the "when we first got home". Mom was crying, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. She grabbed Dad's hand and pulled him in to her bedroom. From the way she was crying, I thought a family member had passed away. So I went in there, and got down on my knees beside her, holding her and stroking her hair, trying to comfort her. She was crying so hard she couldn't talk, and Dad said what sounded like, "She shot the cat." I was wondering who in the world trusted my mother with a gun. Then I realized she "shocked" the cat. She was using an electrical appliance that had raw spots on the cord, and the cat bit on to it. To make the long story short, he's fine. Burnt his tongue, but the vet said he should be good to go in about a week.

Saturday night, Mom arranged a make-up Halloween party for me. It was great. So nice to have everyone together and just goofing off. I even got to throw on my Robin costume. In the Batman comics, Robin's family were trapeze artists, and all fell to their deaths from the highwire. I told everyone I was the Robin that fell along with his family, but survived. Seems legit, right? I laughed more that night than I have in a long time. It felt great. However, I definitely paid for it that night. Around 11, my back and hip started throbbing. It was miserable to go from standing to sitting or from sitting to standing. That night, I couldn't get to sleep to save my life. I dozed for about 10 minutes two or three times, but each time, I either woke up from nightmares or sweating profusely. The night sweats are horrible. It's almost like hot flashes, that last 30-45 minutes. The doctors say it's probably a side effect of the medications. It's one of the worst things about this, because if I get too hot, I'll end up vomiting.

Sunday went pretty well, too. I worked on some exercises from the woodburning book Mimi bought me, and I think they turned out pretty well. I've been getting a few orders from my site, and it's really perking my mood up. I actually feel useful when I get going with the wood burning. It's getting more difficult though, because my hands are getting horribly sore from the walker. The bases of my palms throb most of the time, and it's getting harder and harder to use the walker to get around because of it. When one thing gets a tiny bit better, something else goes wrong.

And that brings us to today, which has started off fairly well. For once, I woke up not stiff and miserable. I'm loathe to say that though, because when I say I'm having a good day, I usually end up eating my words shortly after. Since my physical therapist will be here any minute, I don't think it's too far fetched to say that I'll be in more pain soon. I slept fairly well last night, and I'm assuming that's from the lack of sleep Saturday night.

Well, the devil's walking up the porch steps. I have to go to the dungeon for torture now. Hope everyone has a good day!

Aggravation.

Today sucked. I woke up at 8am after falling asleep sometime around 0530 to go to the doctor. My appointment was originally at 1315, but they called and rescheduled for 1030. We got there on time, in fact, a few minutes early. We didn't see a doctor until almost noon. I was supposed to see my "trauma doctor" who was in charge of my case at Richland, whom I'd never met or seen. I found it funny that he's "in charge" of me, but has never so much as checked on me. Well, turns out, he wasn't there. I was going to be seeing the head trauma doctor. Then, for some reason, I get yet another doctor. This one walks in and says, "What can I do for you today?" I couldn't help it... I looked at him like he was stupid, and said, "I don't know. You tell me. I don't even know why the f*** I'm here, other than that they told me I needed to be." He said since I was a trauma patient, I needed to be followed up with by a trauma doctor. They checked nothing other than my blood pressure, and really had nothing of consequence to say. Biggest waste of time ever.

Then, my mom tried to take my prescriptions to CVS to get filled, and they asked why I needed those medications, what was wrong with me? How about none of their damned business?? Who do they think they are asking questions like that? Fill the bottle and shut your nosey mouth! Well, turns out they lost the paperwork they needed to fill them. So Mom was going to pick up the scripts and take them to another pharmacy. Turns out, CVS oh-so-conveniently lost one of them.

Needless to say, it's been a rough day. Too much drama and b.s. I'm just ready to go to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day.

And the plot thickens...

Last night wasn't a good night. I slept wonderfully, passing out around 10pm, which is almost unheard of for me, and I slept until almost noon with the exception of waking up to take my meds. However, my dreams plagued me yet again. I had a dream focusing on someone that I've tried very hard for 10 months now not to think about, and in the dream, he died. I was quite upset, in the dream, and in real life. It left me in a down mood for most of the morning.

My physical therapist came today. I got great news. It all went really well, and she mentioned that she's going to ask the doctor if I can be cleared after Monday since I've mastered the exercises. She said that there's nothing else she can work on with me since I'm still non-weight bearing. Nothing would change other than the amount of weight in the ankle weights while exercising. I guess we'll see how it goes.

Two of my very good friends came over today and brought their daughter with them. She's absolutely gorgeous. It brightened my mood a little, but nothing can really fully clear up the damper that the dream put on my mood for today. Nevertheless, it was wonderful to see them!

Kerry is over here now, and it's been fun to just hang out. I just wish I could shake the negative mood. It's not going away too easily today. The last thing I needed was for that person to be brought to the forefront of my mind.

Luckily, today wasn't so bad pain-wise. It was tolerable. I could definitely go for more days like today, but I'll probably pay for it tomorrow. I have an appointment with my trauma doc in the morning. Hoping for another good report.

Humor is the key. But apparently some people can't handle it.

I had the strangest nightmares last night. It was a welcomed change from reliving the accident, but I swear, the nightmares I had were something Stephen King would come up with while on an acid trip. The first one featured me and my coworkers on floor 72 of an 80+ story building in Columbia. There was a flash flood, and the news showed what looked like the movie scenes during a tsunami, with the water white capping and rushing around corners of buildings. A few of my coworkers were in the parking lot of the building trying to get in, but there were security guards who were not letting them in. I was trying to get down to the floor level to let them in, but I couldn't. Then I was awoken to take my scheduled pain meds. When I went back to sleep, there was something about being in an old house with my grandparents and a few friends, and there was a murderous ghost that was killing everyone off one by one. It ended up coming down to Mimi, Pepaw, and I, and we were the only ones still alive. I killed a gnat between my thumb and pointer finger, while somehow sucked the power out of the ghost, so we were trying to pack the bare essentials of our stuff and get out of the house before he built his power back up, but I dropped the gnat, and he regained his power before we could get out. Then Mimi woke me up to go to the doctor's appointment. I'm telling you guys, it was insane. I wish I could remember more details, but it was the kind of nightmare that leaves you with that feeling of dread long after you wake up.

Anyways, to flash forward. We headed to Columbia to finally see my orthopedic surgeon. As we were in the waiting room, my worker's comp case manager came in. I'd forgotten she was supposed to be attending all doctor's visits with me. While we were waiting to be called back, I was just talking, and everyone was cracking up. She asked how physical therapy was going, and I said, "Well, she's nice enough, but I'm pretty sure she's the antichrist." She looked at me like I was crazy. Long story short, she told me and Mimi that she was used to dealing exclusively with my mother, and was completely unprepared for us. It's true, my mom is nothing like Mimi and I. But, oh well. So, the nurse came and got us, and took us back, and the case manager asked if I wanted her to wait outside until they took the staples out, and I said, "No! If you have to be here, you might as well enjoy the gory show." She looked pretty uncomfortable again. After a visit full of laughs, we asked her if she was coming to my other appointment Thursday, and she said no, that she was a little overwhelmed by us and didn't think she could handle two appointments with us in one week. Problem = solved. I guess we traumatized her enough that she won't be coming back. Works for me. The doctor pretty much gave me a clean report, said that my incision looks great and there are no signs of infection. I have another appointment in 4 weeks, and he said they'll be doing X-rays, and I may be able to start partial weight bearing on my left leg. I've been having some severe pain in my left knee, and when I told him about it, he said I'm just having referred pain from my hip. I call bullshit, because the hip hurts, too. I know the difference in referred pain and actual pain. My knee hurts. How hard is that to understand? I wouldn't be surprised if when they do X-rays, they find something wrong in that knee. But, hey, what do I know. I mean, it's only my body, you know? I'm so glad the staples are out though. It feels slightly better since I no longer have pieces of metal pulling my skin every time I move. The sites of the staples were pretty red and rough looking, but the orthosurgeon insisted, "They look great!" I'm pretty sure he was crazy. Or at least halfway ignorant. He wouldn't listen to anything I said. He wants me to change pain medications, because it apparently offended him to know that I've been taking phenergan every 4 hours. He wasn't happy when I told him that, and when he asked why, I informed him it's because of the pain medications making me so nauseated. He then insisted that the side effects from my current pain medication (Roxycodone and Percocet) were not healthy, so he wrote a prescription for Nucynta, a new pain medication that hasn't been around too long, so that I wouldn't have to deal with the side effects from the current meds. Funny, after some research upon arriving at home, Nucynta has the same side effects. The man has obviously never heard the saying, "If it aint broke, don't fix it." I'll give it a try, but I will not be a happy camper if I have to deal with all of the same things. He did inform me that it will be another 3 months or so before I'll be at full weight bearing status with my left leg, then I'll be starting my outpatient rehab.

After leaving the doctor's office, we went to Hobby Lobby. I got a few more things to work on project wise, including things to make greeting cards, wedding invitations, baby shower invitations, christening announcements, etc. Just something else to add to my little business page. I'm truly enjoying getting to do these things. It's so much more rewarding than just sitting around. But I have to admit, so far, the most rewarding thing of all has been chasing off the case manager. I'm quite proud of being able to shock her so badly. She said she's used to her patients being whiny and miserable, and was thoroughly unprepared for our method of dealing with things. In all honesty, humor is what gets me through things. Laughter truly is the best medicine.

It's been a long day, and I'm exhausted. Thanks for reading, and good night!

Everybody Scream!

Happy Halloween, Constant Reader. (I've always loved how Stephen King used that term of affection for his readers. I think I'll use it, too. Yes, I just stole King's swag.) Halloween is definitely one of my favorite days of the year, and I'd bought an amazing Robin (from Batman) costume 2 days before the accident. I'd spent over $100 on it, and was so excited for my Halloween plans. Of course, they didn't end up going how I thought they would. But, before I get in to how my Halloween did actually go, I'll fill you in on the last few days.

Friday, my Dad picked me up to take me to my parents' house for the weekend. I was pretty excited to be getting out of the house. Before we went there, Dad took me by headquarters. I was so excited to see everyone. I was embarrassed to be going there in a wheelchair, but it was amazing to sit in the bay with my co-workers and just hang out. It almost felt like normal again. I thoroughly enjoyed it. We made it back to Mom & Dad's, the ride was mostly uneventful, except when we got in the driveway. It was pretty bumpy, and from sitting in the wheelchair for so long and then hitting the bumps, I was really stiff and in a lot of pain by the time we got to the house. But I got back in to the wheelchair and in to the house. Two very good friends came by to hang out, and we had quite a few laughs. I slept pretty well that night, still in a recliner, but I didn't roll over and hurt myself or anything, so that's always a plus.

Saturday, I did a lot of wood burning, and had some other friends come by. It's always so great to see them. Have I ever mentioned that I have some of the best friends ever?? Most of the day was pretty uneventful, but at one point the pain was so bad that when I needed to take a smoke break, I had to use the wheelchair to get outside, because I couldn't even walk. Dad and I watched Halloween II (the Rob Zombie version) and it showed a girl in a leg cast running down stairs to escape Michael Myers. I call b.s. on that one, because I couldnt even go that fast out of a cast. I know now that broken bones in the lower extremities are entirely too painful to allow a rapid egress of that nature. So, another thing I can chalk up to being lost due to the accident: my naivety of believing that when injured, you can still get away from the Bad Guys. Yeah, it doesn't happen like that. I have enough of a hard time making it to the bathroom in time to avoid losing my bladder, much less running for my life from a bad guy. I guess I would have to play dead and hope they had the intelligence of bears.

Anyways, I digress... Back to Sunday. I came back to Mimi's. I was sad to leave Mom's, because I do love my parents to death. My little brother, Christopher, was such a good help to me. Mom kept moving my walker against the wall, out of my reach, and he would go get it for me and bring it to me. He was so sweet. I love that kid to death. He's a tough kid, but he was being so sweet. Once I got back to Mimi's, Rachael came over and brought two of her daughters over. They were so sweet and so adorable! Her oldest daughter sang a brilliant rendition of Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" for us and I was almost in tears from laughing. I loaded them down with candy, and they said I was their new favorite aunt. It made my day. I was sad to see them go. I wanted to keep them!! At least Rachael knows once I get recovered, she has a more than willing babysitter! Also, some things I ordered for two very dear friends' daughter came in finally. They're supposed to be coming up Wednesday to visit, and I can't wait to give them to her!

I guess that brings us up to today. I woke up around 7 a.m. to shooting pains in my hip, and a throbbing pain extending from the back of my thigh to the back of my calf. It was pure agony. I couldn't get comfortable, and no position allowed the pain to lighten up. My old partner, Joey (from when I was still on A Shift) came over at about 1030. It was great to see him. He was one of the first people on scene when we had the accident, and I thank God that he was there. It comforted me to see him there, and it comforted me even more this morning to see him here. We caught up on what we're missing, and just hung out. He bought me a pink and purple horn to attach to my walker. It's pretty awesome. I'm debating going to buy a basket now. People were talking about that and joking, but in all seriousness, I think it would be a good idea. It's hard to carry my Kindle, cigarettes, phone, etc. when I'm attempting to leave the house or even when I'm going in to a doctor's appointment and using the walker. I mean, both hands are occupied with holding on to the walker, so... I need more room. As much of a joke as I've made out of it, I'm really thinking I need one! Heather came over around 1130 or 12, and hung out. The three of us together had a great time! Then, the physical therapist showed up. (Insert dramatic background music here) She took me in to the back bedroom, which I assume she does so that the screams and moans of pain will be muffled to those in the main part of the house. The pain was so bad that I wasn't able to do as much as I could last Thursday when she was here. Then, I was able to do about 30 reps of each exercise, but today I was only able to do about 15. I was having severe pain in my hip, knee, and still along the back of my left leg. I don't know where the knee pain is coming from, since I've never had problems with my knees. I know I already have arthritis in my left ankle from breaking it twice, and somehow I have it in my neck as well. I had no idea about my neck until they ran the scans after the accident. Guess you learn something new every day. The therapist said the extra pain today must have been from the weather, because all of her patients were in more pain than usual today. I am truly hoping that the pain won't be this severe every time it rains. I don't think I could handle that. Once we finished with the lying down leg exercises, we went back to the living room, where Joey and Heather enjoyed laughing at me. I asked the therapist if her real name was Beezlebub, and when she laughed, I said, "No, of course not... (dropped my voice and dragged out the syllables here) They call you Leeegggiiooonn!" I was only kidding... Partially. I got to move from the low level green resistance band to the medium strength blue resistance band for my arm exercises. The therapist said that next time (Wednesday), I'll be moving on to black, which is a higher level of resistance. Heather did my arm work outs with me, and I can honestly say, it was the first time I've ever laughed during physical therapy. It helped to have someone doing it with me, and making me laugh. Then I had to do some standing exercises, which were horrible. I had to stand and raise my left knee to hip level, and it was definitely not easy. I was gritting my teeth through the pain, but I wanted to tap out. I tried to keep reminding myself of my mantra, "No pain, no gain". Then I had to hold my back straight and my left leg straight and kick it out behind me. Again, agony ensued. Next, I had to move it out to the side while keeping it straight. I was glad Heather and Joey were there, because if they hadn't been there, I'd have most likely been crying. By the time I finished, I was definitely hurting. Joey left after that, and Heather and I hung out for a bit more before she had to go. I knew Mimi was going to take Ian (my 7 year old uncle) trick or treating with Christopher and Katlin in Cameron, so I opted to go with them so I wouldn't just be sitting on the couch here doing nothing. Brandon came by before we left, and it was a great surprise. He's hilarious. But we had to leave not too long after he got here. I had Mimi drop me off to hang out with a very, very dear friend, whom I call L Geezy, while they did that. He looked quite shocked to see me sitting there with my good leg crossed over the bad one, and even more so when I was able to cross my bad leg over my good one. It hurt, but I could do it. That's what matters. Everyone says I'm recovering way more quickly than they imagined I would be, but in all reality, I have good days and bad days. Some days, I can do more with less pain. Others, I do less with more pain. It was nice to hang out, and discuss important issues such as a book he's inspiring me to write (an EMS thriller; so far I'm having some decent ideas!), safety concerns, etc. It's always an enthralling conversation with him, even when it's trivial matters. I thought this friend was awesome before, even though we'd only worked together once, but since this accident, he's been outstanding moral support. I can honestly say that he's my best friend. I can talk to him about all the nitty gritty details of my nightmares and depression, and he finds a way to push me. I wouldn't trade his support for the world. I hope one day I can find a way to show him how much I appreciate him.

Overall, while I didn't get to attend Skinful in Charleston, and I didn't get to go out and do anything, not even help take my brother, sister, and uncle trick or treating, I still enjoyed my day. It's great to have so many friends who care about cheering me up when I'm down, trying to make sure I still get to enjoy things, and can share my joy in little milestones on the road to recovery. I'm in much better spirits since I've started my woodburning, and I'll be working on glass etching in the next few days. It's so rewarding to hold something beautiful in your hands and be able to think and know, "I did this." I finally made a Facebook page for my "business", where I'll be making custom gifts. It's called Gifts From the Heart by Kay.

It's hard to believe it's already been 3 weeks since the accident. Exactly 21 days. To think of how easy it could have gone a different way, with me not existing for the last 21 days, really is a slap in the face. It's teaching me to not take things for granted, and to appreciate every little thing. I also have gotten in to the mindset that I need to enjoy life. I've always been the type to keep my eyes so focused on the future, that I tend to miss life that's going on around me now. Several people have said that maybe this was God's way of telling me to slow down and enjoy life for once. Maybe they're right. Either way, I'm planning on enjoying and living life to the fullest, even though right now I can't do all I would like to. One day, I'll be able to do the things I want, but for right now, doing my crafts and working on my relationships with friends and family is rewarding enough. I realize what's truly important to me. And that makes a major difference in my attitude towards this. I am going to get better one day. I refuse to consider any other possibility. I may have a few setbacks here and there, but one day, it will get better. Like the quote says, "Optimism is essential to achievement. It is the foundation of courage and progress."

Tomorrow is another doctor's appointment. I'll be visiting my orthopedic surgeon. Hopefully the staples will be removed. I feel as though they should have been removed quite a bit ago. All 48 of them. I'm also hoping that the pain will subside some once they are out. They started to itch a few days ago, and they're driving me insane. Let's hope the appointment goes well!

Have a good night, Constant Reader, and I hope this Halloween night was most enjoyable for you.

A Day at a Time

My physical therapist came this morning. I shocked myself even by being able to bend the knee on my left leg by myself. When she was here Monday, I was unable to slide my leg that way, or to slide it side to side. Today I was able to. Improvements are being made. I was so excited that I called for Mimi to come watch. Is it sad that at 21 years old, I was elated over being able to bend my knee without reaching down and manually moving it? Maybe so, but oh well.

Got a visit from one of my best friends today. It was nice to be able to vent. I get so frustrated just sitting on this couch. I'm supposed to be going to stay with my mom this weekend. It will be nice to get out for a bit. I can park my butt on another couch for a change.

Sorry this post is so short, but I'm exhausted. Heading to bed super early.

And it gets better...

Today was a long day. Woke up early to a visit from Renee. Funny how I used to pick at her all the time about being old and breaking a hip... Karma, is all I can say.

Went to the ophthalmologist at USC, got a clean bill from her. I was pretty upset because not only was I stuck sitting in the waiting room for over an hour in a very uncomfortable wheelchair (the worker's comp people called and gave the office the information, but according to them, they didn't feel the need to write it down, so they delayed me until they got/processed the information a second time), but I was also kept waiting in the ophthalmologist's chair for 45 minutes. I don't know how many of my readers have ever had a broken hip & pelvis, but for those who haven't, if you sit on a hard surface for more than about 5 minutes, it's excruciating. Especially to sit straight up. I have to lean to the right even when I'm sitting in the padded recliner at home. So the chair in the office was miserable. It felt like I had a white hot iron rod shoving in to my hip. Thank God Mimi went outside the office and asked them to hurry since I was uncomfortable and my pain meds had worn off by the time they finally took me back there. I hated how the receptionists just treated us like we were subpar humans. I don't know what makes people think they're better than others, but that's another issue I ran in to later in the day. The first eye doctor that came in put "numbing" drops in my eyes, and tested the pressure. When he tested the first eye, I flinched and blinked. He made a comment along the lines of, "Oh, you can't feel that! I put a numbing drop in there!" I responded with, "Bullshit! I felt it!" He put 3 drops in the right eye before testing that one. I was not amused. When the second one came in, she was much more accommodating. She basically told me that everything was okay when I was in the hospital, and she didn't really know why I was there.

Once we left the office, I took another dose of pain meds, and we went to Hobby Lobby. I had to have Isabella push me around in the wheelchair, because there's absolutely no way I could have used the walker to go that far. I can still only make it about 50 ft before I feel weak & lightheaded. I needed something to occupy my hands and mind, though. Anyone who knows me knows I have trouble just sitting still. I bought a glass etcher and some mirrors to work with, as well as some boxes and assorted things to do woodburning. I'm considering maybe starting a small business making custom gifts since it's almost Christmas time. I have to find some way to pay my bills, since there's no telling when Worker's Comp is going to kick in. And when it does, it's barely going to be enough to make my car payment and cell phone bill, much less buy Christmas gifts and whatnot. I hate this. I've always worked hard and worked a ton of overtime so that I wouldn't have to worry about money, and now I'm stuck. It's not like I can get a part time job to make up the difference. I can't do anything that I can't reach and work from the couch. It's depressing. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Once I finally made it home, I was absolutely exhausted. I had a package from one of my best friends, Alicia. It had a sock monkey and a card that brought me to tears. It definitely made my day. I definitely needed that perk. I snuggled up with my monkey and took a 5 hour nap. I just woke up a little bit ago, and am heading back that way now. Hope everyone has a good night.

One Day At A Time...

Last night, I would have to say, was the best night home I've had. My uncle Philip woke me at 5am for my pain medication, and I was awoken again at 9am by a well-timed phone call for my next dose. So by the time I got up, I was in less pain than usual. I slept in the recliner, which kept me from rolling over or anything. A very dear friend, Larry, came to visit first thing this morning. It was great to have a conversation with someone who thinks so similarly. We discussed things such as what improvements should be made to make ambulances safer. Honestly, that's something I'd never thought of until my accident. Before, I just assumed that the government had our best interests at heart and that the truck would be a safe place. I was wrong. So many of the things he pointed out to me made me realize that in reality, they're a very unsafe place to be. The laughs were numerous, because it's f
unny how similarly we think.

Once he left Heather drove up from Ridgeland. I can't believe she made that drive to come hang out. We talked about crafts, and she made me laugh by saying I didn't look like the crafty type, because usually the crafty types are "old". Well, usually the people with broken hips are old, too! Guess I'm old all the way around now. Which I definitely do feel like. I'm feeling the effects of the weather change in my hip already. I only know that that's what's causing it because I already have arthritis in my left ankle from a four wheeler accident years ago, and it feels similar. So not only am I dealing with pain in the hip from the break and recent surgery, I'm already feeling the arthritis in it. This is definitely going to be a long process.

I have an appointment with an ophthalmologist tomorrow. My first appointment since being discharged from the hospital. I suppose they're going to be making sure there are no changes in my vision and no complications from the orbital fracture. The best part of the orbital fracture is that I can't blow my nose for a month. They said there was a chance the muscles and nerves around my eye could get pinched in the fracture if I did. I hate that they didn't show me any X-Rays or anything of my fractures. Larry and I talked this morning about how even with my pelvis fracture, I have no idea exactly where it is or how severe it is. I was never shown anything, they only said, "Your pelvis is fractured." Seems like they would have been more informative, but then again, I thought the q

uality of patient care would have been better, too.

Another issue I'm running in to is taking my intermediate written test. I passed the class and the practicals, but I don't know how I'm going to take the written. Tomorrow will be the first time I've been in a car since I was discharged from the hospital, and I don't know how I'll do. I'm hoping it'll be an easy trip, so that way I can at least try to make it up there for the test. I guess I'll have to use the wheelchair, like I'm going to have to do for doctor's appointments. I only have until the end of the year to take the written, otherwise I will have wasted all the time I spent in class and taking practicals. Let's hope I can do it!

I would definitely have to say that today was one of the best days I've had so far, regardless of the pain. I've made some progress on the blanket I started, and it's making me feel great. Just being able to do something that I can look at and see that I'm not just rotting away is very rewarding.

This is what it looks like so far. That, coupled with being able to sleep and not missing my pain meds, made for an improved day. I also took a 4 hour nap this afternoon. I fell asleep around 3:30pm and slept until 7:30pm. I guess my body needed the sleep. I'm still feeling pretty tired though, so it's going to be an early night. Tomorrow, after my appointment, Mimi said she would take me by Hobby Lobby if I feel up to it, so I'm pretty excited. I can get more things to work on. I'm brainstorming for Christmas ideas since it's not that far away. Since I'm out of work and am going to be pretty broke, people are going to be getting handmade Christmas gifts. Last year, the things I made for people turned out pretty well. I did some woodburning. I'm going to try to make things that I know people will like. To me, I'd prefer something handmade, since I know it's one of a kind and someone took the time to make it especially for me. But that's just my opinion.

Well, my hip is throbbing, so I'm going to spend some quality time with my Kindle then go to bed. Long day ahead tomorrow.

When Night Falls..

Finally got the pain under control this afternoon. Ashley came to visit and it was nice to just hang out and shoot the breeze. Until Satan showed up in the form of a tiny, pregnant Asian lady, a.k.a. my physical therapist. That was a pain heretofore unimaginable. It wasn't too bad at first, until she started the exercise where I have to slide my leg to the side. I was lying there with tears rolling down my cheeks, but kept in mind that this is what's going to help me walk again. She assigned me a few exercises to do daily and gave me a resistance band to help build my upper body strength as well. She said she took it easy on me today, since my pain level was already high. I shudder to think what it'll be like when she isn't "taking it easy".

Other than that, the day went fairly well. I had visits from some of my best friends, and it perked my mood up after the painful experience with therapy. It was nice to laugh a little. Mimi went to town during my visit and brought back some yarn, so I can at least crochet while I rot away on this couch. When I had a million things going on such as work and class, I always wished I had more time to read, but now that I have nothing but time, I'm finding it hard to focus. Just knowing that I cannot get up and do as I wish makes me want to get up even more. I'm attempting to channel it into motivation to recover as quickly as I can. I did begin to work on the blanket that I have planned, and even that has improved my mood a bit, because at least it will be something concrete that I can look at and say, "I did something." I'm worrying about how I'm going to manage things this holiday season, like Christmas shopping, without a paycheck.

So many things got put on hold because of this. I'd just bought a new vehicle two days before the accident, and was supposed to be moving in with my best friend in Summerville. Now I don't know how to manage everything. Luckily Tina says my room will be waiting for me, but I'm hoping that I can at least get a paycheck so that I can help with the bills and get down there ASAP.

Tonight has been the typical night... Making the trek from the couch to the bathroom, which seems to stretch away from me like in the movies when someone sees something and the distance just seems to magnify itself... Rather than being 20ft away, it seems as though it stretches out for miles. Each step with the walker sends a jolt to the broken pelvis, and shoots pain in to my left hip. I can't wait for a time where it won't hurt as badly. I see where everyone's talking about the colder weather, and I wish I could experience it, too. I haven't been outside since I was released from the hospital. I can't manage the steps with my walker, and there's absolutely no way I can do it without it. Mom said she may come pick me up Friday and take me to her house for the weekend. How pathetic has my life become when a field trip to my mother's house sounds super exciting? I just wonder how I would smoke there. I don't think I could manage going outside constantly with the walker. It's painful enough to take 4 or 5 trips in a day to the bathroom.

Speaking of which, tonight, I went to the bathroom and slipped. I ended up putting my left leg down and bearing my weight on it to catch myself. I felt something crack, and have been having severe pain in my left leg ever since. I'm hoping it'll go away soon, and that I didn't mess anything up.

Start Each Day With A Grateful Heart

I'm trying to stay positive about things. It's so difficult when you go from feeling like you're on top to being right at the bottom. I was doing so well for myself. 21 years old with a college degree and a county job.. And now, I'm stuck. I can't do much of anything. What my doctor hasn't restricted, the pain takes care of. But all in all, I have to be thankful that I am here. I'm alive, when very easily, I could have not survived the accident. That's more of a slap in the face than anything as far as giving me a reality check. Yes, I'm in a horrible place now, but I will get better eventually. Seeing pictures and remembering details of the accident, I could have very easily died. I thank God that I am still here. A few very dear friends have told me that something good will come of this, and I'm going to try to keep that mentality. I woke up in a very depressed mood, but upon checking my messages, saw this:

"You're going to be something great. That's not just fluff. I'd bet my life on it."

I mulled over that for a few minutes, and it brought tears to my eyes. I have the greatest group of family and friends, and friends that seem more like family. If someone else has this much faith in me, why don't I? I need to adjust my attitude. Channel all of my negativity into doing something productive that can help people.

Anyone who knows me knows that while I may sometimes hate it, all in all, I loved my job. It kills me to think I may not ever be able to go back to it, but maybe I can find another way to help people.

On another note, last night was rough, but not as bad as the others. I slept in the recliner, but slept through my scheduled pain medication, so I woke up in agony. Agony may seem like a dramatic word, but "in pain", "miserable", "hurting", don't describe what I was feeling. Thank God Mimi was close by and able to give me my meds. It's been an hour since I woke up and the pain is still about a 7/10. Hopefully it'll get better throughout the day. At least, sleeping in the recliner, I didn't roll over on to my bad side or anything. But when I woke up and had to make it to the bathroom, I was whimpering with every step. My arms are building up muscle from using the walker, but I'm really feeling the break on the right side of my pelvis now. Not to mention the pain in my left hip was horrendous. It took me about 8 minutes to get to the bathroom which is right next to the living room.

Well, my friend is here. Time for some cheering up.

• • 
    

Title is Irrelevant.

Today has been a difficult day. I'm fighting with the depression worse than ever. I hate that I can't just get in a car and go somewhere, or even walk in to the kitchen to get a drink. I rely on my family and friends to do my bidding, and my walker to help me get to where I need to go. However, if I need to go more than a few feet, I get lightheaded. I'm missing out on so much. There was a Halloween party in Charleston last night that I'd been looking forward to, had even purchased a great costume for, and instead, was stuck on the couch watching movies. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, and I won't be able to participate in anything. I'm 21 years old. I should be out partying it up. But instead, I'm stuck in one spot because it hurts to move. The pain is greater than I ever could have imagined. I can't get comfortable, and I'm miserable.

One of my coworkers came by today. It was nice to see her. I think my visitors are the only thing keeping me positive. When they're here, it's like for a little bit, every thing is normal. Except the pain. It never goes away. The worst part is knowing that to some extent, it will always be there. I was warned by the doctors that I will have major arthritis in my hip for the rest of my life, and that in 2-5 years I will need a hip replacement. So before I'm 30, I'll be having a hip replacement. What happened to my life?

It's so miserable to be stuck inside all of the time. I'd give just about anything to be able to go back to work, even though I know I couldn't physically do the job right now. I just miss feeling like a productive member of society. Instead, I feel useless, helpless, and hopeless. When does it get better?

It seems the nights are going to be hardest to get through..

Rough night again last night. I woke up at 6am for my scheduled dose (supposed to be every 3 hours). I took it, but then managed to knock them off the bedside table. When I reached for them, I knocked them behind the bed. It's now 1pm, and I'm just getting pain meds. Took hours for me to be able to get up, fish them out, and make it to the recliner in the living room. I'm over tired and in so much pain I could cry. Last night, Mimi even tucked me in with thick padding of blankets so I wouldn't roll on to my bad side, but apparently I can even find a way around that to make things miserable. Last night definitely forced the decision that I will be sleeping in the recliner from now on. Let's hope it gets a little better, because I can't deal with many more nights like that.

Yesterday I finally got a shower, though. Sponge baths are just not acceptable to me. Mimi helped me put my bedside commode in to the shower so I could take one. It was a major blow to my dignity, but it was nice to be able to have at least a little bit of independence.

I've been rotting away for several days now, I'm thinking it's time to get productive. I'm going to try to get my uncle to go to my house and dig out my woodburning kit, but I don't know how much I'll be able to do from this couch. Maybe I'd be better off asking him to grab me my crocheting supplies. I have to find something to do to battle this feeling of being utterly useless.

A Glimpse In to the Life.. Then & Now.

This was the last picture I took before the wreck. My buddy William and I. I miss looking like this.


















These were a few pictures I took while in the hospital. I had the greatest support system in the world. Wish I'd taken more pictures.

This was taken by one of my best friends, Kerry. My first full day in the hospital. I was in the recovery room after my hip surgery. I've been described as "hardheaded" "spunky" and "tough". The common consensus on this picture was "That's our girl!" I tried my best to stay strong for everyone else. And more than anything, I was trying to convey to my loved ones that I'm still me.

Here, we have Scott & I. He's a very dear friend who is a firefighter. We've run many a call together. He was such great support through all of it, and there from beginning to end. This was the second day in t

he hospital, still in recovery room due to lack of beds.

This is my very best friend, Tina. I was so glad when she finally made it to see me. She's been one of my biggest supporters, and I love her to death. This was Day 4 in the hospital. My shiners were finally starting to heal.

This is also one of my best friends, Rachael. She took time away from her 4 precious baby girls to come visit me. She helped me make a jail break, the one and only time I got to see the great outdoors while I was incarcerated.. I mean, in the hospital. This was Day 6. My eye was still swollen, and the pain was great, but going outside made it a little better.

This was Day 8 in the hospital. I'd had the stitches removed from my eyebrow and under my right eye. This was also the day after the IV fiasco, where I was so dehydrated that they couldn't get an IV in until one of the few decent nurses I had was finally able to get a line. She secured it with gauze because she made sure we weren't going to lose that one too! This was, thankfully, my last night there.

This was my last picture taken at Richland. I was dying for a cigarette, and I was inspired by someone to "grab a cigarette and flip them the one finger salute", so I did. I was so glad to be getting out of there. The pain sucks, but my spirit is so much better at home. Something about a familiar environment and having people around that care helps out.

And so it begins..

Last night was rough. The evening was great, Ashley came back over and spent a few hours with me, we laughed quite a bit. Always nice to have company. Stayed up with Mimi watching movies and we watched American Horror Story (the first two episodes). Definitely freaky. Then I went to bed, which proved to be more horrifying than the tv show. After the 10 minutes it takes to maneuver the walker down the hallway and in to my room, I got settled in to the bed. I have always been one to sleep on my side, but have been having to sleep on my back since the accident. I managed to find a halfway comfortable position, laying on my right side with a body pillow between my legs to stabilize my hips. After about 2 hours, I woke up in so much pain I was crying. Luckily, it was time for my next dose of pain medication anyways, so I took it, waited for it to kick in, and went back to sleep.

This is where it got bad.. For some reason, my body got brave, and I rolled on to my left side in my sleep. I woke up gasping for air, and the pain was equal to the night the accident happened. I cried for a few hours, not wanting to wake anyone up. I took another pain pill, and it didn't do much to relieve it. Once I was able to calm myself, I read for a while, but was unable to actually get out of bed until noon, when Mimi came in and gave me a muscle relaxer and another pain pill. It wasn't that I couldn't get out of bed because I was tired, but because the pain was too great for me to even be able to move. I foresee me sleeping in the recliner for a while, until this gets better.

But on a lighter note, I woke up to a few phone calls where people are wanting to come visit. I absolutely love visitors. When coworkers and friends come by, it's like for a little while, I have my life back. I'm not just some gimp who can't do anything for themselves. I'm actually myself, and can laugh through the pain, even if only for a little while.

Quote for the day:

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does."

William James

Day 1 at home

I can't express how good it feels to be out of the hospital. I swear, those were the longest 1o days of my life. Most of the doctors and nurses seemed like they didn't care about doing their jobs. From leaving me in painful positions to go gossip in the hallway, to withholding pain medications until I was crying hysterically from pain, to just flat out ignoring calls for help, it was a horrible experience. I had a few great nurses who made it a little easier, but for the most part, I was absolutely miserable.

Today is the first full day of being home, and it's been okay so far. The pain is still rough, but slightly more tolerable, since my grandmother is making sure I actually get my medications when I'm supposed to. Tina, Heather, and Ashley have all been by today, which made it great. They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree wholeheartedly. My support system has been wonderful through all of this.

I do hate that I put so many people through emotional turmoil with this though. I know it's affected a lot of my coworkers and I hate that. But they did a great job at taking care of me on scene, and have been wonderful support. I just wish I could take away their demons.

I find it funny though, that all the time I wish I had more time off to do the things I enjoy, like reading, but now that I have basically infinite time to read, I can't really focus on them. I want to go back to work.

It's so hard to find positions that are comfortable. If something is comfortable for 5 minutes, 5 minutes later, it may be excruciating.

I had my first visit from my home health nurse and my physical therapist today. I'm not a fan. They're nice, but I'm pretty sure some of the things the physical therapist had me attempting to do violate the Geneva Convention. This is going to be a long few weeks. I think it'll at least be a little better when I can put some weight on my left leg. With the left hip being broken and me unable to put weight on the leg per doctor's orders, I have to bear everything on the right leg, which has a fracture on the right side of my pelvis. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Let's hope this goes by quickly.