It's "for the best".

It's been almost 2 months since I last updated. I apologize for that. The walking is coming along nicely. On a good day, the pain in my hip is only about a 4, and I can walk without much of a limp. However, walking around a lot, weather changes, etc., and just some days the pain shoots up to about an 8 and I can barely get around. I'm so tired of doctor's visits though. I've been to more doctors in the last 6 and a half months than I have probably been to in to my entire life. As most of you know, there was discussion from my ortho surgeon about moving the hip replacement up to the year mark after the accident, which would be this October. However, last month, when I went, I was informed that it's delayed indefinitely. No, that's not because it's healing so well. It's because they think the best course of action is to continue to use this hip until it "disintegrates". In the meantime, what about the stress that's putting on my right hip, having to favor the left one? I don't understand why, if they know that the hip replacement will be necessary in a year or two, they won't just do it now and get it over with. Physical therapy has been a thorn in my side for months, and yet, they're basically going to wait until I've finished going through one level of Hell before making me go through another. To me, it seems more logical to just replace it now, and let me deal with all of the therapy at once, and be done for a few years. Instead, they'd rather me have to walk around on a daily basis wondering at what point my hip is just going to snap, and I'll be right back where I was in October. Just like with Papa, they won't do the liver transplant while he's healthy, they need to wait until he gets sick. What sort of sense does that make? I really would rather not have this hanging over my head until one day it just falls apart. But alas, I am not a doctor, so what do I know? That same appointment, he informed me that my EMS career is over. I was so in shock that I really didn't know what to think. He told me that I would be of no use to a patient since I won't be able to lift, crawl, etc., that it wouldn't be good for either the patient or myself if I were to try to get back out on the street since my hip and pelvis won't take it. I cried the whole way home. Mimi kept telling me it was going to be okay, that things would get better, that now I can do whatever I want to do. It took away my motivation though. What kept me going through the dark times was the hope that since I was progressing "so much more quickly than expected", I'd be able to go back. Now that I know I can't, sometimes it's hard to even consider what happens next. The physical aspects of this are getting easier to deal with. The constant pain is something I'm almost getting used to, or at least getting able to work around. However, the mental side is much harder to deal with. I've been going to Post Trauma Resources for a while, but it really isn't going anywhere. I'm now on Cymbalta, Effexor, Fentanyl patches, Lidoderm patches, Trazodone, and Valium. It seems like a lot, but in reality, I don't know that it's enough. I don't enjoy having to take a handful of pills every day, but they keep saying, "Take your pills like a good girl, and that'll make your head feel better." I've yet to see that happening. My mind runs a million miles a minute and the depression is getting worse. I'm trying to get rid of a lot of the negativity around me, but it's not that easy. My mood swings get worse day by day. When I go to Post Trauma, I dance around the issues that really need to be addressed. I'm not one who likes to admit when I'm weak, but I am. At least, now I am. Sometimes my head is so screwed up that I don't even feel like it's me up there any more. I guess this is to be expected, but I wish it would just get quiet up there for a while. I've been a ball of nerves for the last few months, and I'm getting to the point that I almost don't even remember what it feels like to be calm. One thing I'm having issues dealing with is that I was 21 years old, had everything together, a stable job, my own place, and was completely independent. It feels like all of that has been taken from me now. The worst part is that it wasn't my fault. It would be much easier to accept if I'd been out doing something stupid on my time off and gotten hurt. Instead, I was just doing my job, and got hurt. Workers Comp is essentially trying to hang me out to dry, and there's nothing I can do about it. My lawyer says there's nothing that can be done about it. 7 months ago, I didn't have many worries. Now, it seems like I worry about everything. What do I do now? Where am I supposed to go from here? I know I worry too much. Things will happen as they should. That doesn't stop me from worrying though. I'm the sort of person who likes stability, not a bunch of unknowns. My family, friends, and boyfriend have been wonderful through this though. I couldn't ask for a better support system. It's just that sometimes, things still seem to be too much. The physical scars are healing and fading so much faster than the mental ones.