The pain's gonna make everything alright...

Went back to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday.


I had to go for X-Rays first. My techs were awesome.


Finally got in to Tucker's office. He checked out the X-rays and said everything appeared to be healing up well, but there's still a lot of bone growth needed.



He had to scope out the hip area, palpate for any abnormalities in the scar tissue or bone (or lack thereof). For the record, those are NOT my panties... The bright pink band is part of the yoga pants. And FINALLY.... I got some good news!!




This was part of my happy dance.. I was told that I can start doing 25% weight bearing with my left leg. The goal is to be walking completely by February! Annnnnnnnd......... I CAN DRIVE! First thing I asked was if we could go pick up my truck from Mom's. I am no longer making a payment on a car I can't drive. Now I can actually drive it! It was great to be back behind the wheel for a change.

I also got some quite frustrating news from worker's comp, but that has me so royally p*ssed off that I don't even want to discuss it right now. I want to bask in the excitement over the fact that I'm no longer totally hopping around every where I go, and that I CAN DRIVE!!

Christmas time.

Christmas has now come and gone. It was great to spend time with the family. I loved the excitement from the kids! We took tons of pictures, and I tried to make them look as normal as possible. I basically balanced on one foot and let the walker be moved out of the frames. I don't want to ruin the pictures with my big bulky walker. One day, I'd like to be able to look back at my pictures and not have to remember this part of it. I'll have enough memories, I don't want it to intrude on pictures, too.

I got two new cameras. Super excited about that. I've been taking tons of pictures of the kids. I want to start scrapbooks for them. I've been lax about pictures of the family over the last year or so. Now, I'll go no where without my camera.

The kids got 4wheelers for Christmas. That was definitely not good for my nerves. Christopher managed to flip his within the first 5 minutes and hurt his ankle. I was inside, and heard Mom scream then heard Monkey crying. I was trying to get outside to him, and couldn't move fast enough with the walker. My heart was in my throat, and I almost threw the walker down to get out there to him. It seemed like it took forever for me to limp out there. Thankfully, he was okay, with the exception of some pain in the right ankle. Then Katlin decides to go speeding off on hers, and doesn't remember how to apply the break, so she comes within 2 feet of a barbed wire fence. I was nearly in stroke mode. I guess my job made me paranoid. I don't like them being on the 4wheelers at all. I had to pick at Mom though, since when I was 12, I broke my left ankle on a 4wheeler, which she'd told me not to ride. So, in essence, I was forbidden at 12 years old to ride one, but at SIX years old, they have their own. She says it's because I'm not the only one anymore, now she has spares.

Going back to the orthopedic surgeon in 2 days. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll finally get clearance to start walking!

Let me see you through, because I've seen the dark side, too.

It's almost Christmas. This should be a happy time of year. In a way it is, but I hate that I'm seeing so much hurt in people around me. I've had two people who read this blog tell me of people close to them who have recently been hurt and sustained injuries similar to mine in vehicle accidents. I hate to see someone else go through this, because I know what it's like. It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone else. But maybe those people can get some sort of hope through this. I know I didn't have any at first. With time, however, I've gotten much more hopeful about the outcome of everything. Slowly but surely, the pain gets a little better, mobility gets a little easier, and therapy gets slightly less traumatizing. I highly doubt that I'll ever be able to say that I enjoy physical therapy, but I do enjoy the results. Looking back now at the progress that has been made is humbling. It seems to me sometimes like I'm not getting anywhere, but to think of what it was like when I first encountered a physical therapist (at the hospital, three days after my surgery), and to see where I am now, is a major difference. When I was still in the hospital, my "therapy" consisted of small things in my room. In fact, there wasn't much they could do with me, so they really only came once or twice. The thing I remember most clearly was when they had me make it to the chair next to my bed. I sat there for a bit. I was excited to be able to sit up for the first time. Fast forward a few weeks, and I had a new therapist that was coming to the house. I'm sure you guys remember her, the one that I affectionately referred to as the Antichrist. The first time she came, I was supposed to be moving my left leg out to the side, a feat that would have be easy pre-accident, but was then a miserable task. I couldn't do it. I physically could not move it in that manner, so she had to move it for me, which was horrible. I'd be lying there gritting my teeth with tears streaming down my face. After a few visits, I could, but it was insanely painful. A few more weeks went by, and I was finally able to do it myself with tolerable pain levels. A few visits later, I'd moved on to standing exercises with my left leg. Now, I'm going out of the house to therapy and I sit on a table, do a few stretching motions, then have to work with a resistance band on my left ankle to strengthen it back up and work on flexibility in my hip. I have to work on straightening my left leg out often because the muscles can contract from not being in use and cause major problems. It's something that I have to consciously remind myself to do at home as well. So to think that in the matter of a little over two months, I've gone from unable to move that leg at all during therapy, to being put on an exercise bike to get some movement in it, is pretty major. I can't deny that there's improvement. It just still seems so slow.

I go back to see my orthopedic surgeon on the 27th of this month. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to start at least partial weight bearing then. It would make the process a lot smoother. I only go to physical therapy once a week and am very limited on what I can do due to the fact that I can't bear weight on that leg. Once I get that clearance, I'll be going more often and be able to do more to rehabilitate that leg. I can only imagine how painful it's going to be though.

I've noticed there are still some dead spots in my leg. Areas where I can't feel much. My mobility is as good as could be hoped for, but for some reason there are just spots where it's numb. I can only think that maybe it's attributed to the fact that the nerves were damaged in the accident. Although I know for a fact that some of the nerves have reattached, since I feel the shooting pain from them. It's a strange feeling. I've had it happen quite a few times. For a few days, I'll have a very severe pain in an area, and then slowly the pain fades out, and the sensation returns to the area. My scar is still entirely numb, though.

For the last few days, I've been having intermittent shooting pains in my hip. I'm wondering if it's stitching up as well. I hope so. I hope I haven't jostled it in some way that's going to inhibit this process even more. They don't last long usually, but they're disturbing nonetheless. By "not lasting long", I mean an hour or two. Time feels skewed when there isn't much going on. I guess I'll find out on the 27th.

The clock on the wall has been stuck at 3 for days...

I was just watching Jon Stewart, and the Secretary of Domestic Affairs mentioned something about being "more greater"... Really? These are the people in charge of large groups of people? What a shame.

On another note.. I think I have developed a disease that plagues me on Tuesday nights and Wednesday mornings.. It's called dontf***ingwannago. For some reason it seems to reach it's peak effectiveness around physical therapy. The other days of the week, it lies in an asymptomatic state. It's a very serious disease. Apparently the side effects include anxiety, lethargy, and aggravation. The only cure is a new, experimental drug called damnitall. Unfortunately, the drug is very difficult to come by. I was able to acquire one dose of it this week, though. I guess we'll see how next week goes.

I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Time really does fly by. The stress of the holidays isn't something I want to be dealing with right now, though. I wish this could have happened earlier in the year.

I had a good visit with Joey today. We talked about a lot. I've been battling with the feeling that my recovery hasn't been coming along as quickly as it should be. I feel like I should be so much farther along in the process, even walking, but he said that he's surprised at how far along I've come already. I guess I look at it as, "It's been two months!" But others look at it as, "It's only been two months." Time seems to simultaneously fly by and drag by. It's pretty strange. The days seem to fly by, but it seems like I've been stuck on the couch for ever.

I finally got my hair done last night. It's amazing how much better about yourself you can feel after something as simple as getting a trim, dye, and highlight. I've felt so self conscious about myself since the accident. I've become scarred and really haven't been able to do much with myself. But just getting my hair done perked me up a bit. Plus, it was great to see an old friend, and meet a new one.

Perhaps things will be better after the holidays. I'm fighting to stay up and perky these days. The smallest tasks are exhausting. I know it's the . I sometimes lay in bed for hours after I wake up, because I just cannot seem to get motivated to get up and get the day started. It's eating at me. And nights are the worst. I used to require total darkness to sleep. Now, I'm having trouble dealing with being in the dark. I feel like such a child. When it's dark, my mind replays the scene of being the back of the truck, with the lights flickering and finally shorting out, hitting my on the ceiling, and being buried under so many things. It's more than most people have any idea about. A few who read this will know what I mean.

One of these days, maybe the dark won't be so frightening any more.

Dear Agony.. Just Let Go of Me.

Today has been a very bad day pain-wise. I've been hurting along the lines of how badly I was hurting right after the accident. Luckily, I've gotten used to pain enough that I can now bear it without screaming and crying. I guess that's a good thing. Isn't it a little unfair though, that a person should have to bear such pain so often that they can tolerate it? One thing I've learned through all of this is that tears and screams don't lessen the pain, so I just put on a happy face and go on with my day. It's not always easy to do. There are moments when I just want to curl up in the fetal position and sob, but like I said, I know it doesn't do any good. So I've found that I just put in my headphones, turn up the music, and try to forget it.

Music is something that I'd sort of gotten away from through all of this. I guess it just wasn't as accessible to me now as it was before. I used to love jamming out on the way to work, or the way home, or even at work. I just haven't been listening to it much since the accident. But now I've seen that it's still something I love. It's something that can provide an escape when little else can. In fact, this song, Dear Agony, is perfectly descriptive of how I feel lately. It's such a beautiful song, and I love this guy's voice. If you care to, here's a link to listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbPuTwo1bxs The video is pretty powerful too, since it's from 7 Pounds. Great movie, by the way.

Music has always been a great way to express yourself. One of these days, I'm going to get back in to playing guitar.

I'm realizing more and more how much I miss things. I can't wait for a time when I can just get up and walk, without having to be concerned if my walker is going to fit through somewhere, or if it's too slippery and I'm going to lose my balance. I would love to go visit Bo and spend some time with him, but I can't drive, so I can't. I want to be able to go back to work. I want to I get so tired of people turning their noses up at me when I'm in my wheelchair in public. It's not like I'm lazy. I'm stuck here for now. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to get the news that I'd be stuck in this thing permanently. I don't think I'd be able to take it. The only thing that keeps my sanity now is that I know, one day, it's going to be over. I'll never be quite the same, and will never be able to do all the things I did before the accident, but one day, it will get better. If that hope was taken from me, I honestly think I'd lose it.

It's been a long time...

I know I haven't written in a while. I'm sorry. It's just that when you sit on the couch all day, nothing much goes on, and there's nothing to write about. If I have to recall what I did on a previous day, chances are 100% that I sat on the couch and did some woodburning. The only thing that really changes is whether or not I sat on Mimi's couch or Mom's couch.

However, today began the new chapter. Out of the house physical therapy. It was not fun. It wasn't horrific, like the first few times I had home therapy, but it wasn't a walk in the roses either. The therapist was somewhat entertaining, or at least, she seemed entertained by our shenanigans. I was confused by the questionnaire though.. Here are a few questions I had to answer and what I answered with.

"What are your goals for therapy?" I wasn't sure what to put, so I put, "Not die?"

"Has your doctor cleared you for exercise?" I wrote "I guess so, since he scheduled this appointment."

"If you are out of work due to this injury, please state what physical limitations you now have that prevent you from doing your job." I scribbled in, "Can't walk, and can't lift fat people."

There was a yes or no section. I was finally about to legitimately check "yes" next to the psychiatric problems. I'm not sure how I feel about that, since I'm pretty sure I have a mild form of Bipolar disorder (at least, at work I did...), but now that I've been diagnosed with "PTSD", I actually have a diagnosed condition. It was bittersweet. It asked if I had sleep disorders... Another yes. Arthritis.. Another yes. Recent severe emotional disturbances... Yes sir. At that question though, I got to thinking, and I realized...

This entire year has been an emotional disturbance. I've been through a major breakup, a 5 month or so period of depression, a major accident, major injuries, and back in to depression. Come on.. Can't I get a break? I think I've done pretty well at dealing with all of this, so come on... Just for a little while... Let something go right. I'm not going for a pity party here, I'm just venting. And I don't care to get sympathy. But I told you guys that I would bare it here, no censorship. The ones who have stuck with this so far, I'm not going to hold anything back from you guys.

But back to the point of this... I filled out my questionnaire, and was mentally daring them to ask for clarification on anything that I checked yes on. They didn't, until I got back with the therapist, and she asked what caused my injuries. I told her that I was in an ambulance accident, and broke my hip and pelvis. She says, "Wow! That must have been scary." I wanted to slap her. Like, really? No shit it was scary. I was terrified. After some fairly easy exercises, she put me on an exercise bike. With me still being non-weight bearing on my left leg, it was pretty difficult to not pedal with that leg. It goes against instincts, but I figured it out. 5 minutes of that, then I was released. I will be going back once a week, on Wednesdays, until I can bear weight on that leg. I wonder when that'll be.

I can't believe how much time has passed since the accident. It's almost Christmas. What happened? In some ways, it seems like it was yesterday, and in some ways it seems like it's been forever. I guess that's a good thing and a bad thing.

Well, that's all for now. Not much else to say. I wish I had something witty to sign off with, but I'll quote SSA Hotchner from Criminal Minds since that's what's in my peripheral vision right now. "Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to neatly sum up what's happened that day. Sometimes, the day just....ends."