It's been a while since I could hold my head up high..

Its been well over a year since I've posted. But I feel as though I need this outlet still.

As far as the hip situation... I've had enough X-Rays that if I ever have children, they will either be superheroes or mutants. 360 degree ct scans and full digitalized reconstructions. Injections. And they've found ossicles in my muscle surrounding the hip, as well as that my hardware has not become messed up, but has moved. However, according to Dr. Hartsock at MUSC (my new ortho), those are not what's causing the pain. The nerve bundle in my lower spine as well as the sciatic nerve could not be fully visualized because of refraction from my metal, so our next step is a scope.

On the therapy side, nothing has really changed, except that some times I can't sleep at all, and when I do, its after the sun has risen. Nightmares are becoming more and more common. 4/5 nights, they'll haunt me. The anxiety is worse. As are the depression periods. They last longer, and they hit deeper.

I've been thinking about what I lost, and what I will still lose throughout this ordeal.
I've lost time.
I've lost being a pain free person, other than an occasional sinus headache. Now I have to deal with major pain daily.
I've lost part of my ability to see. There is damage (which still hasn't been fully solved) to my right eye which has caused loss of some of my peripheral vision.
I've lost my ability to sleep peacefully.
I've lost my tendency to be a social butterfly. I find myself letting fewer and fewer people in.
I can't return to EMS, regardless of what they do.
I can't go in to dispatch.
I can't become a behavioral analyst because I can't physically pass any of the academies.
I can't have fun like I used to.
I can't just spontaneously stay out for a night. I have to make sure I have my meds.
I can't always control my emotions.
I no longer know how to deal with a lot of social situations.
I no longer prefer company, I prefer to be alone.

Most of all... I've lost the woman I was before all of this. My confidence, my personality, my attitude, my motivation, my mental abilities...all have been affected in one way or another.

I survived. Physically. I can walk. I don't limp unless the pain is particularly bad. I can sit comfortably. I can do for myself. I have physically healed.

But the wounds weren't all physical. And I cannot, in honesty, say that I've healed from those. It's still a work in progress, but I'm trying. I haven't given up. And to the "old me", I'd like to say, 'I miss you, and I'm doing my damnedest to find you again.'

It's "for the best".

It's been almost 2 months since I last updated. I apologize for that. The walking is coming along nicely. On a good day, the pain in my hip is only about a 4, and I can walk without much of a limp. However, walking around a lot, weather changes, etc., and just some days the pain shoots up to about an 8 and I can barely get around. I'm so tired of doctor's visits though. I've been to more doctors in the last 6 and a half months than I have probably been to in to my entire life. As most of you know, there was discussion from my ortho surgeon about moving the hip replacement up to the year mark after the accident, which would be this October. However, last month, when I went, I was informed that it's delayed indefinitely. No, that's not because it's healing so well. It's because they think the best course of action is to continue to use this hip until it "disintegrates". In the meantime, what about the stress that's putting on my right hip, having to favor the left one? I don't understand why, if they know that the hip replacement will be necessary in a year or two, they won't just do it now and get it over with. Physical therapy has been a thorn in my side for months, and yet, they're basically going to wait until I've finished going through one level of Hell before making me go through another. To me, it seems more logical to just replace it now, and let me deal with all of the therapy at once, and be done for a few years. Instead, they'd rather me have to walk around on a daily basis wondering at what point my hip is just going to snap, and I'll be right back where I was in October. Just like with Papa, they won't do the liver transplant while he's healthy, they need to wait until he gets sick. What sort of sense does that make? I really would rather not have this hanging over my head until one day it just falls apart. But alas, I am not a doctor, so what do I know? That same appointment, he informed me that my EMS career is over. I was so in shock that I really didn't know what to think. He told me that I would be of no use to a patient since I won't be able to lift, crawl, etc., that it wouldn't be good for either the patient or myself if I were to try to get back out on the street since my hip and pelvis won't take it. I cried the whole way home. Mimi kept telling me it was going to be okay, that things would get better, that now I can do whatever I want to do. It took away my motivation though. What kept me going through the dark times was the hope that since I was progressing "so much more quickly than expected", I'd be able to go back. Now that I know I can't, sometimes it's hard to even consider what happens next. The physical aspects of this are getting easier to deal with. The constant pain is something I'm almost getting used to, or at least getting able to work around. However, the mental side is much harder to deal with. I've been going to Post Trauma Resources for a while, but it really isn't going anywhere. I'm now on Cymbalta, Effexor, Fentanyl patches, Lidoderm patches, Trazodone, and Valium. It seems like a lot, but in reality, I don't know that it's enough. I don't enjoy having to take a handful of pills every day, but they keep saying, "Take your pills like a good girl, and that'll make your head feel better." I've yet to see that happening. My mind runs a million miles a minute and the depression is getting worse. I'm trying to get rid of a lot of the negativity around me, but it's not that easy. My mood swings get worse day by day. When I go to Post Trauma, I dance around the issues that really need to be addressed. I'm not one who likes to admit when I'm weak, but I am. At least, now I am. Sometimes my head is so screwed up that I don't even feel like it's me up there any more. I guess this is to be expected, but I wish it would just get quiet up there for a while. I've been a ball of nerves for the last few months, and I'm getting to the point that I almost don't even remember what it feels like to be calm. One thing I'm having issues dealing with is that I was 21 years old, had everything together, a stable job, my own place, and was completely independent. It feels like all of that has been taken from me now. The worst part is that it wasn't my fault. It would be much easier to accept if I'd been out doing something stupid on my time off and gotten hurt. Instead, I was just doing my job, and got hurt. Workers Comp is essentially trying to hang me out to dry, and there's nothing I can do about it. My lawyer says there's nothing that can be done about it. 7 months ago, I didn't have many worries. Now, it seems like I worry about everything. What do I do now? Where am I supposed to go from here? I know I worry too much. Things will happen as they should. That doesn't stop me from worrying though. I'm the sort of person who likes stability, not a bunch of unknowns. My family, friends, and boyfriend have been wonderful through this though. I couldn't ask for a better support system. It's just that sometimes, things still seem to be too much. The physical scars are healing and fading so much faster than the mental ones.

It's like one step forward and two steps back....

Actually, lately there's been no major setbacks, other than when I had the flu a few weeks ago. Sorry there's been such a delay in updates, but it seems as though not much new has been happening, although tons of new things have been happening.

To start off, when I had the flu, I started getting an awful pain in my hip, and my back locked. I had to call Mimi in because I was trying to roll over in bed and literally, I could not move my lower back. Then the pain in my hip intensified. Called the nurse case manager, and she immediately called Tucker's office. I was in there the next day, X-Rays and such; typical for an appointment with Tucker. He said everything appears to be healing okay, but that they may be moving the hip replacement up. So, now, rather than having 2-5 years to mentally prepare myself to go back through all of this, it may only be a year. Seriously, couldn't they have just let me be a cripple until the hip replacement rather than going through all of this yet again? When people see me, they say things like, "Oh you look great!" and "You've come so far!" And while it's nice to hear, it has been far from a painful process. I'm just good at putting a smile on, and I'm glad to say that my humor has finally fully returned, and I'm as acerbic as ever. It's been nice to not have to deal with as many setbacks lately, and to finally be able to get around on my own, but it has definitely come with it's price.

Last time I posted, I was at 75% weight bearing, and now I'm at full weight bearing. That day was great. I went to physical therapy, and after the torture, Jessica (my therapist) said I could finally put away the walker. I refused to even carry it out. I looked at my mother and said, "I've been hauling that sh*t around for months, YOU carry it!" Since then, I've been on the go a good bit. I've been able to hang out with some old friends, and even made some bad calls. I've picked up some of my old hobbies again. I got a Washburn G-2v and have been trying to play again. It's coming along pretty well.

And I've been by headquarters a few times to visit. It's great to see everyone. Even had two of my favorite people come visit me at Physical Therapy one day.


These girls rock. I never would have imagined how much I'd miss the lights, sirens, and adrenaline. I itch for it. There have been a few times I was hanging out in the bay with people and the crew would get a call, and I'd say, "Flip 'em for me! Just once!!" Those flashing lights and screaming sirens... It's an addiction. It really is. I've been trying to brush up on my EMTI85 book to go take my National Registry written. I've been putting it off too long. I did, however, take the ACLS Refresher (before I realized that my ACLS card doesn't run out for another year), and surprisingly passed. I was shocked because I didn't have the advantage of having taken a Paramedic class to learn most of the drugs and how to read strips. Guess I learned a lot from my partners! Especially Papa Smurf.

So overall, things are going pretty well. Sometimes therapy isn't so bad, but some days I still leave with tears in my eyes. They're making me work on balance, and anyone who knows me knows I had no balance BEFORE the accident, much less now. There's a reason my middle name is 'Victoria', and not 'Grace'. Who knows, maybe after this, I'll be able to walk and chew gum at the same time.

Had to go back to Post Trauma to get my sleep regulated. Apparently when a psychiatrist asks, "Why are you here?" The correct answer is not "Because they keep telling me I'm crazy." That will lead to, "Well, do you FEEL crazy?" And that just opens a whole new can of worms. Alas, I finally have my sleep regulated though...to an extent. If/when I take the meds, I can sleep like a baby. Only problem is, I sleep for 13-15 hours like a baby. Thankfully I have another appointment Tuesday to find a way to fix that. Mimi refers to them as my "Little Miss Freaking Sunshine pills" because at least I wake up in a good mood, rather than dragging like a zombie for hours after waking up.

Well, that's all for tonight. The brief version of the last month. This week will consist of 3 days of physical therapy and doctors' appointments in Columbia. Not looking forward to it, but such is the life these days. You guys better believe, come Friday, I'm not doing ANYTHING. Until next time....

Medicate.

I know I haven't been writing much lately. It's hard to find the motivation sometimes. It's hard to stay motivated for a lot of things. The depression comes and goes, and even though most of the time I can cover it with a smile and humor, sometimes, I just can't.

Therapy has been rough. The more weight bearing I can do, the harder it is. I'm at 75% now, and will be graduating to 100%, finally, next Wednesday. It's bittersweet, because while I am beyond ready to be able to walk unassisted, I am dreading the pain that comes with it. Lately, the pain has been waxing and waning, some days are great, and I almost feel normal, then some days I feel like I don't want to move. I just wish things could be a little more normal. Most 21 year old couples can enjoy going out, partying with friends, etc, whereas we essentially hang out and watch movies, since there isn't much else we can do.

I just want my life back. Slowly but surely, it's getting there, but not fast enough. Every time I talk to one of my co-workers or a friend from one of the many fire departments I used to spend time around, I wish I could go back. I miss the stations, I miss the calls, I miss the adrenaline, the friendships, the fact of having something to do, some reason to wake up in the morning. I'd give just about anything. My old partner asked me where I was, since it was Friday the 13th at my usual station, and I almost wished I could have just cut the left leg off and gone back to work. Sometimes I think it would be easier to get rid of the entire leg than to have to wait for all of this to work so I could keep it.

Side note: Did you guys know that Beta fish will jump out of a bowl and kill themselves?

I had to go to Post Trauma Resources this last week. Apparently the psychologist thinks that I need about 3 more medications. I'm going to end up being a zombie. But, whatever it takes, I guess.

The pain's gonna make everything alright...

Went back to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday.


I had to go for X-Rays first. My techs were awesome.


Finally got in to Tucker's office. He checked out the X-rays and said everything appeared to be healing up well, but there's still a lot of bone growth needed.



He had to scope out the hip area, palpate for any abnormalities in the scar tissue or bone (or lack thereof). For the record, those are NOT my panties... The bright pink band is part of the yoga pants. And FINALLY.... I got some good news!!




This was part of my happy dance.. I was told that I can start doing 25% weight bearing with my left leg. The goal is to be walking completely by February! Annnnnnnnd......... I CAN DRIVE! First thing I asked was if we could go pick up my truck from Mom's. I am no longer making a payment on a car I can't drive. Now I can actually drive it! It was great to be back behind the wheel for a change.

I also got some quite frustrating news from worker's comp, but that has me so royally p*ssed off that I don't even want to discuss it right now. I want to bask in the excitement over the fact that I'm no longer totally hopping around every where I go, and that I CAN DRIVE!!

Christmas time.

Christmas has now come and gone. It was great to spend time with the family. I loved the excitement from the kids! We took tons of pictures, and I tried to make them look as normal as possible. I basically balanced on one foot and let the walker be moved out of the frames. I don't want to ruin the pictures with my big bulky walker. One day, I'd like to be able to look back at my pictures and not have to remember this part of it. I'll have enough memories, I don't want it to intrude on pictures, too.

I got two new cameras. Super excited about that. I've been taking tons of pictures of the kids. I want to start scrapbooks for them. I've been lax about pictures of the family over the last year or so. Now, I'll go no where without my camera.

The kids got 4wheelers for Christmas. That was definitely not good for my nerves. Christopher managed to flip his within the first 5 minutes and hurt his ankle. I was inside, and heard Mom scream then heard Monkey crying. I was trying to get outside to him, and couldn't move fast enough with the walker. My heart was in my throat, and I almost threw the walker down to get out there to him. It seemed like it took forever for me to limp out there. Thankfully, he was okay, with the exception of some pain in the right ankle. Then Katlin decides to go speeding off on hers, and doesn't remember how to apply the break, so she comes within 2 feet of a barbed wire fence. I was nearly in stroke mode. I guess my job made me paranoid. I don't like them being on the 4wheelers at all. I had to pick at Mom though, since when I was 12, I broke my left ankle on a 4wheeler, which she'd told me not to ride. So, in essence, I was forbidden at 12 years old to ride one, but at SIX years old, they have their own. She says it's because I'm not the only one anymore, now she has spares.

Going back to the orthopedic surgeon in 2 days. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll finally get clearance to start walking!

Let me see you through, because I've seen the dark side, too.

It's almost Christmas. This should be a happy time of year. In a way it is, but I hate that I'm seeing so much hurt in people around me. I've had two people who read this blog tell me of people close to them who have recently been hurt and sustained injuries similar to mine in vehicle accidents. I hate to see someone else go through this, because I know what it's like. It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone else. But maybe those people can get some sort of hope through this. I know I didn't have any at first. With time, however, I've gotten much more hopeful about the outcome of everything. Slowly but surely, the pain gets a little better, mobility gets a little easier, and therapy gets slightly less traumatizing. I highly doubt that I'll ever be able to say that I enjoy physical therapy, but I do enjoy the results. Looking back now at the progress that has been made is humbling. It seems to me sometimes like I'm not getting anywhere, but to think of what it was like when I first encountered a physical therapist (at the hospital, three days after my surgery), and to see where I am now, is a major difference. When I was still in the hospital, my "therapy" consisted of small things in my room. In fact, there wasn't much they could do with me, so they really only came once or twice. The thing I remember most clearly was when they had me make it to the chair next to my bed. I sat there for a bit. I was excited to be able to sit up for the first time. Fast forward a few weeks, and I had a new therapist that was coming to the house. I'm sure you guys remember her, the one that I affectionately referred to as the Antichrist. The first time she came, I was supposed to be moving my left leg out to the side, a feat that would have be easy pre-accident, but was then a miserable task. I couldn't do it. I physically could not move it in that manner, so she had to move it for me, which was horrible. I'd be lying there gritting my teeth with tears streaming down my face. After a few visits, I could, but it was insanely painful. A few more weeks went by, and I was finally able to do it myself with tolerable pain levels. A few visits later, I'd moved on to standing exercises with my left leg. Now, I'm going out of the house to therapy and I sit on a table, do a few stretching motions, then have to work with a resistance band on my left ankle to strengthen it back up and work on flexibility in my hip. I have to work on straightening my left leg out often because the muscles can contract from not being in use and cause major problems. It's something that I have to consciously remind myself to do at home as well. So to think that in the matter of a little over two months, I've gone from unable to move that leg at all during therapy, to being put on an exercise bike to get some movement in it, is pretty major. I can't deny that there's improvement. It just still seems so slow.

I go back to see my orthopedic surgeon on the 27th of this month. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to start at least partial weight bearing then. It would make the process a lot smoother. I only go to physical therapy once a week and am very limited on what I can do due to the fact that I can't bear weight on that leg. Once I get that clearance, I'll be going more often and be able to do more to rehabilitate that leg. I can only imagine how painful it's going to be though.

I've noticed there are still some dead spots in my leg. Areas where I can't feel much. My mobility is as good as could be hoped for, but for some reason there are just spots where it's numb. I can only think that maybe it's attributed to the fact that the nerves were damaged in the accident. Although I know for a fact that some of the nerves have reattached, since I feel the shooting pain from them. It's a strange feeling. I've had it happen quite a few times. For a few days, I'll have a very severe pain in an area, and then slowly the pain fades out, and the sensation returns to the area. My scar is still entirely numb, though.

For the last few days, I've been having intermittent shooting pains in my hip. I'm wondering if it's stitching up as well. I hope so. I hope I haven't jostled it in some way that's going to inhibit this process even more. They don't last long usually, but they're disturbing nonetheless. By "not lasting long", I mean an hour or two. Time feels skewed when there isn't much going on. I guess I'll find out on the 27th.