It's been a while since I could hold my head up high..

Its been well over a year since I've posted. But I feel as though I need this outlet still.

As far as the hip situation... I've had enough X-Rays that if I ever have children, they will either be superheroes or mutants. 360 degree ct scans and full digitalized reconstructions. Injections. And they've found ossicles in my muscle surrounding the hip, as well as that my hardware has not become messed up, but has moved. However, according to Dr. Hartsock at MUSC (my new ortho), those are not what's causing the pain. The nerve bundle in my lower spine as well as the sciatic nerve could not be fully visualized because of refraction from my metal, so our next step is a scope.

On the therapy side, nothing has really changed, except that some times I can't sleep at all, and when I do, its after the sun has risen. Nightmares are becoming more and more common. 4/5 nights, they'll haunt me. The anxiety is worse. As are the depression periods. They last longer, and they hit deeper.

I've been thinking about what I lost, and what I will still lose throughout this ordeal.
I've lost time.
I've lost being a pain free person, other than an occasional sinus headache. Now I have to deal with major pain daily.
I've lost part of my ability to see. There is damage (which still hasn't been fully solved) to my right eye which has caused loss of some of my peripheral vision.
I've lost my ability to sleep peacefully.
I've lost my tendency to be a social butterfly. I find myself letting fewer and fewer people in.
I can't return to EMS, regardless of what they do.
I can't go in to dispatch.
I can't become a behavioral analyst because I can't physically pass any of the academies.
I can't have fun like I used to.
I can't just spontaneously stay out for a night. I have to make sure I have my meds.
I can't always control my emotions.
I no longer know how to deal with a lot of social situations.
I no longer prefer company, I prefer to be alone.

Most of all... I've lost the woman I was before all of this. My confidence, my personality, my attitude, my motivation, my mental abilities...all have been affected in one way or another.

I survived. Physically. I can walk. I don't limp unless the pain is particularly bad. I can sit comfortably. I can do for myself. I have physically healed.

But the wounds weren't all physical. And I cannot, in honesty, say that I've healed from those. It's still a work in progress, but I'm trying. I haven't given up. And to the "old me", I'd like to say, 'I miss you, and I'm doing my damnedest to find you again.'