Currently Reading: A Commune of Women
----------------------------------------------------------------
I got some major pyrography done in the last few days. I'm pretty happy with how it's turning out. I'm just a perfectionist, so it's starting to be stressful. Mimi bought me a book that has some beautiful projects in it, and I hope that one day I'll be as good as that guy. Once I finish up the orders I have right now, I'm going to start working with the glass etcher. There's a crafts fair going on at the fair grounds this weekend, and Mom and Mimi are going to take me out there tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. Maybe I can get a few more ideas, and who knows... Maybe by this time next year I'll be able to have my own booth there.
Finally slept in a bed last night. It went well. Didn't have any major mishaps, and actually slept quite peacefully. I got much more sleep last night than I've had in a while, but I'm owing that to Benadryl. Since I'm out of my trazodone, I'm having to take 50-75mg of Benadryl to get to sleep at night. Tonight, the temperature is supposed to drop to 29 degrees, so I imagine that I'll be feeling pretty rough in the morning. This evening around 6 or so, I started to get a dull ache in my left hip, knee, and ankle that I'm assuming can be attributed to the weather changing yet again. I hate it. I really hope that the pain that comes before rain or when the weather changes will one day be less than it has been so far, because honestly, I don't think I could deal with that for the rest of my life. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh, but when you get your hip replacement, you won't have that problem anymore!" Papa had his hip replaced quite a few years ago, and he said he still has pain in it during those times. So I call b.s. on everyone's statement. It's so depressing when you're 21 years old and the only thing you can think of to look forward to is having a hip replacement so that maybe the pain will go away a little bit.
Christopher has been a sweetheart again today. When I got here, Mom was helping me get settled in to the chair, and she brought me a little folding table which I use to keep my wood burning tools accessible, and while she was still helping me get adjusted in the chair, he was pulling the table over to me. Katlin tried to help him, and he said, "No! I do this!" I think it's so cute that he's such a good helper to his big sister. A few minutes later, he came out of his room and asked me, "Do you want me to bring you one of my stuffed animals? Because I'll bring you one." I told him he could if he wanted to, and he brought out a toy that looks like a baby wearing a yellow duck costume, and asked if I wanted one like that. I told him I'd take whatever he brought me. He looked at it, turned around, went back in his room, and brought me out a black stuffed monkey that's holding a rose and has a red ribbon around his neck. About 5 minutes later, he brought me a teddy bear. Then he brought out these two tiny stuffed rabbits, and said, "This one is you... and this one is me!" And made them hug. I thought that was the sweetest thing. Later on, Mom told him to lay on the couch (how he normally goes to sleep, snuggling with Mom until he falls asleep and they take him to bed). He told her he wanted to lay with me, and Mom told him I didn't have room, since I had my supplies all over my lap and the rest of the chair, but I cleared everything off and told him he could come over with me if he wanted to, and he did. I told him I would always make room for my Monkey.
I know this might sound incredibly morbid, but throughout all of this that's going on, I had to face my own mortality. I'm learning that things can all be gone in the blink of an eye. So I sat here and wrote Christopher a letter, and will continue to do so every few weeks or so, and keep them in a box for him, so that if something should ever happen to me, he'll have those to look over and remember how much his big sister loves him. I'm also planning on doing the same with the people I'm closest to. I'd hate for something to happen to me and have them not know how I felt about them. I'm trying to make it a point to show my friends and family how much they mean to me, but I feel like it doesn't always get through. Not to mention, I'd just like them to have one last thing to remember me by.
I've been brainstorming about a way to create some sort of fundraiser or volunteer program. I'm wanting to find a way to give back. I'd really like to find a way to help out children who are either suffering from debilitating diseases or just children in need. I always see people trying to do things for children/families in other countries, but what about the ones right here in the USA? I don't mean the families who refuse to do anything for themselves because the government provides for them, I mean families who are genuinely trying to make a way to provide for themselves and their children, but are unable to. Maybe a sick parent, or a sick child belonging to a family that can't afford to get the medicine, food, etc. that they need. I'm sort of drawing a blank so far as to what can be done, but I hate thinking of families like this going without basic necessities. Earlier tonight, I went outside to take a smoke break, and was thinking about how cold it was, and how inconvenient that I had to wear a blanket around my shoulders, because with a walker, it's very difficult to hold on to it and not trip. Then, I thought, there are children and families out there that are freezing. I'm mentally complaining about being in the cold for 5 minutes, when there are people who don't have heaters. I complain that my meds make me nauseated, but there are people in just as much pain as I am, or sicker, and can't afford any medications. Although I'm in a rough spot, I still have it good compared to some. I want to find some way to give back. There aren't really any programs locally that I could participate in, because this county doesn't offer anything of that nature. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to leave a comment. Maybe a Big Brother/ Big Sister program would be an idea. Or a food drive. I'm blabbering. Forgive me.
Other than that, it's a SSDD sort of deal. A woman from my law office called today to "check on my progress and see how I'm doing." She asked if I'd followed up with my doctor, and I told her I'd seen the ophthalmologist, my orthopedic surgeon, and my trauma surgeon. She then asks, "So have you been cleared to go back to work yet?" Seriously? I wish! Apparently she's quite unfamiliar with the seriousness of a shattered hip. I can't even bear weight on that leg, much less be cleared to go back to work. People never cease to amaze me. You'd think, before calling, they would try to at least read the information in my file. She didn't even know what (if anything) was broken. But, it is what it is. This is Orangeburg after all.
I'm very excited about the crafts fair tomorrow. To be honest though, I haven't liked to go out in public, because, as shallow as it sounds, I don't like being seen in a wheelchair, and it's even worse to have to be in public using a walker. I'm 21 years old, not 90. I've noticed that people tend to look at me with pity in their eyes, which I cannot stand. I don't want to be pitied. I'm trying hard to be strong through this, and I think I'm doing pretty well at it, but when someone looks at me with pity in their eyes, it hurts. It really does. I feel so small.
Well, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Hope everyone has a good night.
P.S. Since I've been reading a lot as well, I'm going to make sure to post whatever I'm currently reading, which I'm sure you noticed at the top. When I finish the book and move on to a new one, I'll post a review at the end of the blog, just in case anyone's looking for something to read.
No comments:
Post a Comment