Today has been a difficult day. I'm fighting with the depression worse than ever. I hate that I can't just get in a car and go somewhere, or even walk in to the kitchen to get a drink. I rely on my family and friends to do my bidding, and my walker to help me get to where I need to go. However, if I need to go more than a few feet, I get lightheaded. I'm missing out on so much. There was a Halloween party in Charleston last night that I'd been looking forward to, had even purchased a great costume for, and instead, was stuck on the couch watching movies. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, and I won't be able to participate in anything. I'm 21 years old. I should be out partying it up. But instead, I'm stuck in one spot because it hurts to move. The pain is greater than I ever could have imagined. I can't get comfortable, and I'm miserable.
One of my coworkers came by today. It was nice to see her. I think my visitors are the only thing keeping me positive. When they're here, it's like for a little bit, every thing is normal. Except the pain. It never goes away. The worst part is knowing that to some extent, it will always be there. I was warned by the doctors that I will have major arthritis in my hip for the rest of my life, and that in 2-5 years I will need a hip replacement. So before I'm 30, I'll be having a hip replacement. What happened to my life?
It's so miserable to be stuck inside all of the time. I'd give just about anything to be able to go back to work, even though I know I couldn't physically do the job right now. I just miss feeling like a productive member of society. Instead, I feel useless, helpless, and hopeless. When does it get better?
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